I’m so fucking upset guys. I swear to god when I use meth it feels like most of the day I’m just depressed as fuck, in my bed, doing nothing. My friends hate me, my partner left me, my mom and other family members are losing their fucking minds trying to get me to stop. I feel like every time I speak I’m saying the wrong thing, it pisses someone off, it offends someone, something. Everyone in my life is leaving me, and I knew this would happen.

What the fuck am I doing with my life? Why do I do this when it makes me want to fucking die? I’ve been to rehab 4 times this year alone. Every time I would come back and be good for a week or two. And then back to it. The only time I managed to stay clean was the very first time I got off of adderall and benzedrex, I was for a year or so until I “relapsed” on phenibut and sent myself to inpatient. I feel like things have gotten progressively worse since then and I can’t help but wonder if it’s because I went to rehab. Maybe I didn’t really need it and I fucked myself over for life now.

I didn’t know how to find drugs, do drugs other than over the counter or prescribed shit, I didn’t have friends who used. But I went to rehab and gained all of that knowledge. And of course put it to “good” use. Im so fucking depressed guys I haven’t stopped crying for hours. This usually happens when I stop using but I’ve smoked and taken 2 adderall already today. What the fuck.