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Last November I dabbled with sobriety for the first time since high school. I stopped drinking alcohol for four months and didn’t take any other substances in that time… except for my vyvanse prescription - always under my prescription amount. I started drinking occasionally again but never like I used to, however there are so many opportunities to drink so I like to take breaks periodically to make sure I am not developing certain associations with alcohol (such as, x type of event will not be as fun without it). The first time I stopped drinking, I sang karaoke at a bar sober on the second day I was sober - I call that expert level sobriety.

Anyways, caffeine and vyvanse have both been self medication for other things. I started drinking coffee in high school because I was severely depressed and exhausted. By college I was drinking 6 cups a day and having panic attacks. Eventually I reduced caffeine intake but I started taking Wellbutrin, and later Ritalin then adderall and eventually vyvanse. Of course they helped at first, although adderall made me angry and manic, and vyvanse made me absolutely numb and humorless. Eventually, as with caffeine, it stopped helping, but if I didn’t take it, the brain fog was insane. I have taken breaks from vyvanse on and off but always returned to it in times of pressure. I’m determined to stay off of it for good.

At this point, I’ve done a lot of therapy to work through some of my internalized shame and anxiety around performance at work (formerly school) and I have a job that allows me to take a long break in the middle of the day to nap if needed (I work from home and am a consultant so I can work later if needed). Without vyvanse, the original exhaustion has returned due to restless sleep. I’m ready mentally to try to get through reducing and quitting caffeine. Fingers crossed this will address the sleep issues. Otherwise I’m actually in a pretty good place mentally. And goshdarnit, waking up early to do cardio and strength training and then taking a cold shower really DOES give me a lot of energy and mental clarity. Also I have been using ginkgo and it helps immensely with my brain fog, but I have to limit it as it’s a blood thinner and I have always had pretty low blood pressure. I’ve been overcompensating with caffeine to make up for vyvanse, but I’m ready to try to quit this for awhile and see if it helps with my original sleep issues. And I used weed to help me stay asleep so that’s also uncovered the sleep issues again.

Sorry if that was all over the place, but just wanted to share some parts of my journey and some gratitude for this sub which I come back to whenever I’m having cravings or self doubts that make me want to take my vyvanse again. Anyways all of that is to say, wish me luck on the next part of this adventure!

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2 months ago