I abused my brain with meth and fentanyl for nearly six years straight. I graduated college during that time. I made a six figure salary during that time. I strangled every last ounce of energy and productivity out of myself that I possibly could, and then I replaced what I didn’t have left with more meth. My brain and my body were a 24/7 fire that I needed to keep fueled with meth nonstop or else I would collapse. When I didn’t smoke I would be unconscious for days in a row because I hadn’t slept in almost an entire month. Then I would just wake up, binge eat because I was starving, and do it all again.

Even the things I did for “fun” became this extreme of needing to do it all. All of it, right now, to the full extreme. All the time. Become a master at this. An expert at that. Go bigger. Do more. Smoke more meth.

I’m 18 months clean as of yesterday. And I don’t want to lie to you; it took pretty much that entire first year of my recovery for my brain to start feeling better in significant ways. I wish I could tell you that by six months you’ll be feeling fine but at six months I was spending most of my time staring at the wall. Every dream for months in a row would be about relapse. The entire world felt grey and boring to the point of pain. I couldn’t do any of the things I wanted to do, much less things I needed to do.

And I was scared. You know? I was scared I had doomed myself to always live that way. I had broken my poor brain and the world was never going to be what it was when I was on meth. I wasn’t going to be curious about things anymore. Nothing was interesting. Nothing was fun. It broke my heart.

But something really amazing has been happening the last six months.

I read about something, and I get curious to learn more. I end up on Wikipedia for an hour clicking articles. Without meth. I get an idea for a drawing and I doodle it on some paper or I write a poem. Without meth. I get the urge to play an old Pokemon video game that I haven’t touched since I was a teenager. Without meth. I find myself looking forward to weekend plans or enjoying the weather or hearing a new song I like, and I don’t even need meth to do it.

I don’t even need meth to have a good day today. I spent time with my cats and walked in the park and went to therapy and ate a really good sandwich and brushed my teeth.

If I was still on meth, all I would have done today was smoke meth. While telling myself that the next hit would be the one where things were finally fun again.

But today I had actual fun. I found a cool stick in the park and poked some mushrooms with it. I lost to a boss in Bloodborne six times and watched a new episode of Bobs Burgers. And I didnt even need meth to do it.

I can enjoy the small and mundane again. And I was so scared I had lost my ability to do that.

So if you’re reading this and you’re so bored you wanna die, please know how brave and strong you are. I know you’re suffering. But if you can just hang in there, I know you can find things that make you smile again.