Threw away all my amfetamine related research chemicals 2 weeks ago. The first week was okayish but the cravings got so bad I stated going thru my ketamine and 2cb, which I kept cause I never felt cravings for those drugs. They were just fun to do with friends a few times a year.

I'd never before just taken 2cb by myself before and I just did it cause my cravings were so intense. Now I'm back to buying research chemicals and compulsively redosing.

I thought amfetamines were just the problem for me but seems if the cravings are too intense I'll just take the next best thing available. Today I was like on 3 pills of 2-fma and thought it was a smart idea to take 2cb to calm down. Got close to having a panic attack and used a benzo to get out of my bad trip. Then I continued to take 2 more 4-mph pills around midnight cause I hate how benzos just make me feel all loopy and tired. But now it's 4am and took 2 benzos an hour ago so I hopefully can get some sleep in.

I kust know I will redose as soon as I wake up cause I will feel lethargic.

4th time trying to quit and I feel like I just made it worse now.

I just cannot deal with the depression and lack of lust for life that kicks in after 1/2 weeks after i stop using.

Good news is tomorrow morning I'm picking up a bike trainer so I can get back into cycling again, which helps my anxiety a lot. The anxiousness and agoraphobia I've developed the last monthsn just makes it hard to actually go outisde and cycle and I hope this will give me the confidence again.

I'm still in this mindset that i can never imagine me becoming a fully sober person. Hopefully exercise can change this.

So what now? Do I join support groups or something similar. I already went to my GP practitioner and he told me the waiting list for subsidized mental health care is over a year long now.

I really do wanna go back to my old self. But I'm struggling to find support. I really cannot do it by myself I will just keep getting stuck in the cycle of quiting and relapsing.