Today, I feel really off. I mean, really, really off. I can just feel in my gut that something is very wrong.

I took a bit more Vyvanse today than I normally do (50mg vs 40mg), but even before the last 10mg kicked in (I took it a little later) I knew that something felt extremely off.

Now, I've never been diagnosed with any pyschotic disorder, but I've experienced hallucinations twice before, once on THC and once on Zyprexa. Both times, before it happened, I felt this very strange, distinct feeling in my head. And today, I have that same feeling, which I've never gotten outside of those two times that I hallucinated. There's also more than that, it's just difficult to describe. I don't believe this is DPDR because I've had that before. I don't feel like I'm in a dream. Just... something is wrong. Trust me. Also, earlier, I had a random image flash in front of me that was very vivid. I don't believe it's OCD, nothing like this happens to me normally. And I feel random crawling sensations on my skin. I sort of get that sometimes and don't think much if it, I think it's just anxiety. But this time, it's different. It feels much more real and makes me check in the mirror

I know that I should really get off the Vyvanse. It's making me crazy. But I feel like I can't go back to the way things were before. When I'm not on it, all I want to do is binge-eat and self-harm. It takes away all of those urges. I also suffer from severe, all-day, restless legs syndrome, which it gives me some temporary relief from. It makes my entire body feel different. My body just feels so much more comfortable, and my clothes feel more comfortable on my body. And I could never get through school without it. Before Vyvanse, I couldn't push myself to do the simplest of assignments. I avoided school and became a truant because it made me hate myself. Vyvanse doesn't even make me extremely productive, it just makes me somewhat functioning. My life before this drug was truly hell. I don't believe that most people can understand, honestly. I feel like I have one of the worst cases of dopamine deficiency ever.

Additionally, everyone tells me that I'm doing better. They like the medicated version of me better, and I don't want to disappoint them.

I don't know what to do. All I know is that I refuse to go to a hospital. I'm terrified of being forced on antipyschotics.

I'm just so lost right now. I'm sorry