I (M24) have been dealing with poly drug abuse for the past 3 months, but mainly with the use of 2-mmc (a cathinone)

I have been hiding my use and have been lying to my boyfriend (M25) the whole time.

We had a conversation about honesty some time ago, so since then it just felt extra horrible that I have been lying to him the whole damn time.

I kept telling myself that I would stop and then I would relapse again.

I even got caught at work and I lost my job. My bosses were really understanding and nice about it though, they were emotional, were worried about me and gave me a lot of love (which really confused me and felt weird). They mainly let me go because one of my bosses struggled with a heavy addiction himself and that I was now a trigger for him, so they had to let me go.

Today I felt so horrible about how much I had lied until now, even about the reason why I lost my job. I couldn’t handle it anymore.

I told him EVERYTHING during a video call this evening. He responded exactly how I expected. Disappointed, worried, calm but also fairly angry. Because if I lied about so much, how can he trust me from now on?

He had to go to sleep after some talking but he told me to send me a message with everything that I should still tell him, because now is the moment to do it and not later.

I wrote the message and I was actually really shocked at how much bullet points I had to make :(. My addiction is way worse than I initially thought. Writing it all down, confronted me with it

Honestly, I feel relieved. But I also feel so ashamed. I really want to do better. I really want to be honest with him, but it’s so damn hard.

Not only does he now know how much I used in the past 3 months, which basically makes me look like a degenerate in my eyes.. but it’s also the fact that I feel like a horrible boyfriend for lying to him the whole time

But I really want to be better, I want to stop using. And I really want to get rid of this lying pattern that I have. That’s why I decided to come clean about EVERYTHING to be real with myself and with him. And start over with a clean slate from now on, regain his trust (hopefully).

I’m not sure what my need is at the moment. I just wanted to get it off my chest :(. Anyone who has been in this situation before and can give me some kind words?