I know I’ve seen many post similar to the one I’m writing. I currently feel all is lost and I’m not sure why I’m even writing this. I know I’m scared and I’m hoping he can still see reason one day.

My significant other has always drank a lot of coffee and energy drinks. He can drink coffee all day and he says that it never affects his sleep health. My sleep is affected by everything which is honestly anxiety that probably does it.

Summer of 2022 my husband started seeing my aprn for adhd. She diagnosed him and started his dose at 20mg IR twice per day. I remember thinking that this was way too high of a dose to start with because I think I was started off at 5mg. Things have been a roller coaster since he has started stimulants. Sometimes his prescription has changed like trying Ritalin or switching to xr. Those do not work so he is normally taking it. He has been on 30 mg IR twice per day for the last year for sure.

I remember the first time I mentioned anything negative about his medicine he became defensive. He said, “ just because your dad overdosed doesn’t mean I have a problem.” Which really shocked me. I tried to make sure anytime we discussed what was going on that I did not mention the actual medicine. Occasionally I would but mainly I would reference how much he has changed since he was diagnosed. I’ve begged him for years to see a therapist for depression and he refused. Now he thinks he is seeing a therapist because he gets prescribed his medicine. I’ve explained to him it’s not the same. I hope everyone understands what I mean.

The patterns I’ve seen over the last few years include staying awake for over 36 hours and then sleeping for 18 hours at a time. He has became harsh and manipulative. He blames any side effect on me and how our relationship causes any side effect. He started experiencing sexual side effects a year ago. He gets off within 20 seconds of penetration. Trying to discuss this has caused him to push away and just not attempt sexual intimacy. He quit running and he’s almost always been a runner. He lost a lot of weight and many noticed but he doesn’t think the weight loss is from medicine. He often has days of depression but he had those before Adderall. He lies about the use or gets defensive if it’s mentioned. I know there’s more but I’m struggling to keep this organized as I type it.

He increased his already high caffeine intake after he started his medicine. 12 plus cup habit is now 12 plus cups of the 2x caffeine k cups or death wish. On top of coffee he is now drinking 1-2 cans of Red Bull daily.

Last month we had parenting issues with our 14 year old daughter. I had messaged him begging for him to get help with his depression and mood swings. Eventually he broke up with me. I’m always the problem in our arguments and us arguing is always the reason he has any issues with depression. Sometimes in the past he would apologize for blaming me for being the cause. He has no empathy and can not understand where I am coming from when we talk. He says it just turns into lectures or me bashing him. He has became so mean, negative, and distant. He is not the same man he was before adderall.

We have had trouble communicating in the past. He has always worried about being a good father. He has his own behavioral health company and is still trying to become certified in different ways so it’s very demanding. He recently had to write an entire company policy book. I told him that he had been under a lot of stress because policies are often written by committees. He dismissed it and said it wasn’t stressful that I was. In addition to starting his business he also was hired as a director for a small business to help guide them in their behavioral health program. He has also taken on becoming a vp for the parent teacher association at our children’s school. He has a lot going on.

I’ve accepted our relationship is over and I’ve been reflecting on his treatment of me. He is very controlling and manipulative. Our break up will be good for my mental health but I’m worried about his. I’m worried how if he continues it may harm our 13 and soon to be 15 year old. Our oldest has severe anxiety. Last night while arguing, which he is over anything I say. I mentioned the adderall misuse. He stands by that he doesn’t have a problem except for me existing because he doesn’t take over the 60 pills prescribed monthly. I’ve had to give him some of my medication before but not often. I told him not taking it as directed is misuse and he doesn’t take over often because he will sleep 18 hours after being awake for 48. We counted his current bottle last night. This bottle was given to him on 8/12. He is 5 days short of what he should have. I feel like he thinks only 9-10 extra pills in 12 days isn’t bad or at least problematic. He says all of the issues are from us arguing.

I’m not sure if I’ve explained this well or even what I’m asking. I’m lost and worried about everything. I guess I’m looking for stories similar to ours or others that have been in denial about adderall misuse. Where do things go from here?

Please comment if more info would help clarify or bring better context to what I have mentioned so far. If you think I am the problem I am fine with that being mentioned. At this point I don’t know who I am and maybe I’m crazy or delusional. He keeps saying I am the only person that sees these things in him and that no one else thinks he has an issue or mood swings.