Cross-posted in r/addiction.

Just came clean about my addiction for the first time, terrified of my future

First time poster, long backstory ahead - I was firmly rooted in denial

I have had an addiction to prescription amphetamines (adderall) for the past five years. I am completely at fault for this as I purposefully sought out an ADHD diagnosis in order to obtain the prescription as a means of “coping with” (read: cheating my way through) grad school.

My life is a disaster of my own making. I left my doctorate program after 5.5 yrs (ABD) with only a masters after I obliterated my executive functioning and couldn’t manage to force myself to write even the bare bones dissertation they were willing to accept to let me graduate.

It was during this final year of grad school that I first ruined trust with my parents by claiming everything was fine when it was not, despite the fact that they were paying for my final semester of tuition and housing as I had lost my funding due to my delay in expected progress. I moved in with them post-grad and my father, believing my failures to be a result of an unaddressed mental health crisis, offered to help me out by paying off my debt so I could focus on securing a stable job and repay him without interest once I had saved up enough. He is a well-intentioned man at heart but is unfortunately the type to only express his emotions through anger, specifically verbal attacks thatoften border on abusive. He was absolutely furious upon learning the balance on my credit card (~$2100) and berated me so vehemently that I was terrified of what he would do if I disclosed I had (impulsively and stupidly) taken out a high-interest loan of $6000 to pay the cc off previously. I lied again and said I didn’t have any other debt, and he said if I was lying he would not be giving me any more chances. I was still at this point lying to myself that, despite repeated evidence to the contrary, the next time I refilled my prescription I would finally be able to get my shit together and focus on securing a job and making things right. So, my dumb addict brain reasoned that with the types of jobs I could likely secure with my background, I would be able to land a job quickly and resume efforts to pay that loan off with him none the wiser. I officially forfeited my last chance to make right with my parents in order to conceal the true extent to which my life had spiraled out of control.

Well, to the surprise of no one here I’m sure, I did not secure a well-paying job in my field or really any employment at all for almost a whole year. My executive function was too fucked for me to handle taking on the detailed multi-part applications required for jobs in my field, and I only managed to secure a position as a barista because of their urgent need and the simplicity of the application.

I had been working there for four months but doing little else to further my life when my father, struggling to understand why I was unable to complete the simplest of tasks, blew up at me and said some really nasty things as I stood and sobbed, unable to defend myself without admitting the truth. I was going through withdrawal at the time and after already taking a slew of verbal abuse regarding my worth, was terrified of how he would react upon discovering I was an addict. My maternal grandmother was an alcoholic and while my mother’s family spent a lot of money, time, and effort to get her sober when it became clear her drinking habits would kill her if left unchecked, the way they still speak about her and her habit (despite the fact that she was able to stay sober from alcohol and nicotine until her death) is dripping with resentment and a lack of understanding. I didn’t think I’d be able to handle it if my own parents viewed me that way. So, coward I am, I moved out and into a friend’s house, despite my mother’s pleas to try and work things out.

Things continued as normal with my barista job for a few months, and without the added stressors of living with family my overall mental state improved and I once again got it in my head that I was capable of securing a “real” job without assistance. I initially was going to try and work on applications in the evenings after work, but during a drug-induced manic state got too overconfident with myself and sent notice into my job without anything lined up. I’ve since been unemployed and stuck in this cycle of thinking I’ll be able to pull myself out, becoming increasingly frustrated with myself for abusing the kindheartedness of my friends by concealing my addiction but not enough to get me to come clean or seek legitimate help elsewhere.

Well, I recently found out I was sued by the debt collector that purchased my loan debt and I received a default judgment. I have essentially no money in my bank account and no property (they don’t garnish wages in my state) so if they wanted they could literally take everything I own except clothes. Living with roommates in a cluttered old house, I realized if they decide to go that route rather than wait for me to get a job and collect then, it could be a legal nightmare to prove their personal property isn’t actually mine if they wanted it (I likely don’t own anything worth seizing, but they do).

I have finally fully accepted that I have been lying to myself about my ability to escape this cycle without help and realized I need to come clean ASAP, especially to my roommates. I am aware they will likely be furious because I have literally sat and listened to them complain about their addict brother’s failings, while simultaneously leeching off of their goodwill and not disclosing/stopping my addiction.

I decided to start by coming clean with a friend-turned-situationship as they live out of state and have always been understanding. They’re understandably extremely disappointed and while they said they still care about my well-being and need time to consider our relationship moving forward, it’s clear from their words that this breach in trust has essentially tainted me in their eyes as a potential romantic partner and possibly even as a close friend. I knew this was a possibility and given my actions I honestly can’t argue with that judgment, but I can’t help but feel devastated.

My addiction has led me to isolate myself and otherwise push people away such that my potential support network is limited to five or so friends in total, my parents, and a brother who I rarely see or talk to. I’m resolute on coming clean to all of them, but I am so scared for the future. I’ve accepted and even solicited some level of financial or personal support from most of them while hiding my habit, so they have every right to feel betrayed and never speak to me again, and my parents and roommates may even have a right to sue me for lying about my situation while being housed by them (no lease but they still housed me for little to no reimbursement because I lied by omission regarding my circumstances).

I’m honestly just so filled with shame that I got to this point. I used to be extremely smart, high-achieving, and at least a decent enough person to not essentially steal from people. I’m disgusted with myself because even knowing the hurt that coming clean is going to cause my loved ones, my mind still won’t stop worrying about anything but my own damn self. I will most likely be unhoused by the end of the week, with no type of emotional support system given the hurt I’ve inflicted and what I’ve seen of their attitude towards addicts. It’s my own damn fault and I accept that, I just can’t see how I am going to be able to turn my life around with literally nothing when I couldn’t even do it with the undeserved help of loved ones…