Today was the last day for me. I don't have to go back to work until next Friday. So I'm utilizing the time to detox. I've detoxed many times in the past as I started using at 18 and have been back and forth with it ever since. I'm 39 now. Yeah, WTF is right... Pretty much every time I've come off it tho, I've been incarcerated. I've been to prison FOUR DAMN TIMES bc I'm an idiot. I'm a drug court graduate even!

I know what happened this time that landed me in this spot. It's also the second time that's happened. Idiot.

Anyway, I'm scared. I've been daily using for about 3 months now, IV. Was supposed to be one weekend. LMAO. I've attempted to quit 3 times at this point and I've noticed that it's way gnarlier than I remember. It used to just be you eat some food and sleep for 3 days and you're done! Now, my head is raging in pain, body hurts, can't see straight or focus. It's like nothing I've experienced before. I got all the supplements. I feel like I need a babysitter to keep me accountable so I don't text anyone that I could get from when I'm feeling like shyte.

My job is the main excuse I've had for not quitting, no time to detox etc. I have 100 reasons TO quit tho. My husband is using and either in a psychotic episode or he has schizophrenia. I'm his main target so he left 3 weeks ago (just 3 weeks after we got married!!) and now all we do is fight and we never used to. We are likely getting divorced.

I so badly want to be on the other side of this. I hate it. I feel like an awful person, a loser. I should've stocked up on snacks dammit but I'm also totally broke. I need to go back to work ASAP. I pray I'm not weak and cave bc I literally cannot afford it on any level. I've pushed the limits as far as they will go before it catches up you. Next is another charge waiting to happen, I get charged with the habitual offender charge and go to prison for minimum 5 years. HELL NO THAT'S NOT HAPPENING. id rather die.

That's my rant. If you pray or whatever, send up an extra for me ok? I need all good vibes I can get. Thanks for reading.