Thank you all for the support during my 16 month meltdown over feeling like I’m never going to heal.

Decided to resume my Wellbutrin (I weaned off completely July 2nd), and it did help some. Lessened sleepiness and a bit more energy.

While I don’t like the way it makes me feel and I get brain fog from it, it’s better than sleeping all day.

Also resumed 300 mg of Gabapentin at night to help with sleep.

I guess I need this support right now and can reevaluate later this year or early next.

I also have to admit that while I’m still very much cognitively recovering, there’s a big psychological component: the slow pace and limitations have me depressed and feeling hopeless and stressed about when it will get better.

When you quit stimulants after being highly dependent on them, you have this vision of bouncing back quickly. Psychologically, it’s very hard being 16 months out and still feeling so impaired. So fucked up.

It’s also hard to accept the rollercoaster. A month ago I felt the best I had in a while. Clear headed and a lot more energy…. I thought I was coming out of it. Then BAM: two steps back.

That’s hard.

And While I love hearing people come back and tell say: “I didn’t start feeling really good until years 2-3,” it’s also really hard to hear because I never thought it would take that long.

Anyway. Fuck stimulants. I’m moving forward.

One day…. One day I hope I’ll be me again. I miss the emotions, the fun person I was, the love I could feel. My intellect and wit.

One day…. I hope.