Hey everyone. I been clean off meth, weed, alcohol, cocaine and cigarettes for almost 18 months. I'm super grateful to this sub for all the wisdom being shared daily and the honest sharing from newcomers.

I was wondering if anyone had advice on that inner voice that is full of hate and disgust for life and everything in it including myself. Of course i have a voice that is of recovery, faithful, compassionate, understanding, etc. But i have a war going on within me and it is starting to be overwhelming. I get paranoid thinking my partner is part of some cult or think that people are evil. Or that I'm in some sort of torture realm and that positivity is just something you experience before returning to stark negativity.

Ive done plenty of counselling. Many many meetings. I do step work. I meditate. Exercise. Eat decent. My sleep has improved but this part of me just hates so hard. I can think of thoughts like, "I'm ugly, or this person should go to Hell and die." I know this sounds like a mental health disorder but i feel like ive improved a lot. The people around me notice my major shift in the right direction. A member of AA said that addiction is the only disease where youre the last to find out youre sick and the last one to know youre better.

I feel like ive been through a lot. Homelessness, violence, jail, forced hospitalizations, etc. And it has put a lot of walls up and pain. As I'm typing this it seems like my mind is trying to protect me by trying to find faults in people, places or things before they screw me up.

In my using days I would become super manic and literally put my life in a complete strangers hands and get taken advantage of over and over again. The drugs filled me with so much desire and almost never would it get fulfilled. And if it did it would get spoiled by something. Say i did make some money hustling and score a huge bag. Now I'm paranoid that im gonna get arrested or something like that. I couldnt enjoy anything and neither could those i surrounded myself with. It was brutal.

This drug, meth, really stretched my imagination of reality so far that it is almost deafening the silence in my life right now. I see someone walk by and i get almost zero clues about what theyre up to or who they are. Do they like me, do they hate me. Should i not care. I can never be sure about anything. And ive been trying to not look at things black and white. Ive seen people go into psychosis and talk about being jesus and satan. For whatever reason everyone around me was fighting this war. And no one was wearing uniform. Unmarked soldiers but we were marred. Idk. Didnt mean for this to be a rant but it felt good to get this off my chest.

I love you guys.