Firstly, sorry for bad grammar, English is not my first language.

Hi, I'm Julio, I'm 16 and AuADHD and I'm currently addicted to Ritalin. I say I'm addicted, even though it's been only 1 month since I first abused it, and my body always wants more ever since. I'm on ADHD treatment with Ritalin for 8 months and it was amazing. I also take Lexapro 20 mg and Risperdal 3 mg. With Ritalin, I could function normally, I could be productive, my reward system was functioning correctly... it was heaven. I didn't even felt any withdrawal symptoms when out of it, and didn't even had the thought of abusing it. But what was heaven turned into hell this year. My doctor asked me if I wanted 2 tablets (1 tablet = 10 mg) instead of 1, and I thought "well, if 10 mg works amazing, maybe 20 mg will help me even more", and I said yes. The first time I used 2 tablets I felt a HUGE euphoria. Maybe it happened because it was the generic version of Ritalin, and there's a lot of labels here in my country and it seems like each one has a different (while at the same time the same) effect, and I was taking a generic from a label that I had never tried before. But even with that euphoria, I didn't abuse, and the medication was still helping me. I told the doctor about this euphoria and he lowered my dose back to 1 tablet. Okay, I didn't feel any withdrawal symptoms, still all good. But I didn't felt the euphoria, and my brain thought "no euphoria = no effect", so I went to another doctor (the doctor that was treating me wasn't attending at the place that I used to go, so l had to schedule another. Currently I'm back with the doctor, but now in another clinic) and he raised my dosage to 1 and a half tablets. The euphoria was still there, but smaller. But I was satisfied, it made me function so it was okay. Then, what kinda triggered my addiction happened: my school went on strike (as well as almost all federal institutions in my country). My teacher was going to give my class an assignment at July recess, but as we were probably not going to have this recess anymore (the school calendar was suspended), he gave us the assignment to do while the school is on strike. And it was a HUGE assignment. As always, I took one tablet of Ritalin (I used to take only one tablet to study at home and 1 and a half tablets for school) and I started doing the assignment, and as the effect first wore off, I thought “I think I can do more. My doctor gave me a limit of 5 tablets a day (because of my weight), so I will take another one”. And so I did. The next day, I thought “I don’t think one tablet is working anymore… maybe I’ll jump to one and a half”. I also did it. And after the effect wore off, I would take another one. One day, I took 3 tablets at once, and then another 1 after the effect wore off, and then another one again after the effect wore off. And, for me, that’s when it all started. I reached the limit, so I was already feeling guilty, and I consider it my first abuse. The next day, I started feeling something that I never felt: my body was asking for more. I tried tapering off the dosage, and took 4 tablets throughout the day. The next day I took 3. The next day… oops, I couldn’t control myself. Back to 4. And so it went, always respecting the limit of 5 tablets a day. I went to travel to another city and I only took one blister of Ritalin (that comes with 15 tablets) with me. My mind tricked myself into studying so I can have a reason to take Ritalin, and in the first day I took 4 tablets throughout the day. For 14 days I started oscillating to 4-1 tablets or no tablet throughout the day, until one day I took the last tablet. The next day, I felt very fatigued, so I started taking one can of energy drink everyday. It used to help, but it was not the same uprising effect. I spent 2 weeks without Ritalin, and taking 1-2 cans of energy drink everyday, and when I returned home, I took 5 tablets throughout the day. The next day I took 10. The next day, 15. Not at a time, but throughout the day, like one/two at every 20-30 minutes. I feel like I’ve lost control. It’s been like 6 days since I took that amount, and I’m still trying to lower the dosage. I took 9 tablets today. Yesterday I think I took 8 so I kinda failed lol. I’m feeling a lot of guilt, and I feel like I don’t know what to do. I bought 6 energy drinks so I can use them for when my body asks for more Ritalin, but the fatigue is brutal. Even when I take a can of energy drink, my body asks for Ritalin. It’s like I can’t work properly without the medication, and my ADHD (and even the ASD) symptoms are multiplied. I’ve been hiding this from my mom and my sister, even though inevitably they will notice once they check the amount of tablets missing. Even though I abused, I will not tell this to my doctor because he will probably cut Ritalin and he will also not trust me anymore, so I’m trying to handle it all by myself and my friends who know about this problem. I’m actually just trying to stop my tolerance and handle my dependence, so I’m planning to stay clean for 2 weeks-1 month and start taking Ritalin again, but this time with my normal dosage. I hope I feel the same effect as before, because it feel like 1 tablet doesn’t make any effect. I don’t want to fully quit Ritalin or any stimulants meds because it really helps me with my ADHD. Really, my life was so good during my (normal, no abuse) treatment with Ritalin. I need Ritalin, and I feel like I can work my addiction out. I feel very guilty because maybe I threw all my ADHD treatment in the trash, and the thought of me being completely resistant to Ritalin to the point of it making no effect at all terrifies me. Actually, all the situation terrifies me and makes me feel guilty. Specially the fact that I’m officially an addict. Like, I officially fit in the “Ritalin should be used with caution by people with a history of drug abuse” line in the drug leaflet. I’m so ashamed of myself. Even though my friends are helping me, I think they think I’m a weirdo. I hate myself. My school is on strike, so maybe I can use this time to deal with the withdrawal symptoms. And even though I can’t control myself, I feel like going cold turkey is going to be A LOT worse, so I’m trying to taper. Did anyone here struggle with Ritalin or any other ADHD med addiction? What did you do? How was it? Please give me advice and tell me your story.