IMO one of the worst feelings of stimming is when it’s bedtime and you’re wide awake ready to be “productive” while your husband (who doesn’t know you’re stimming) is sleepy like a normal person. there’s so many things that suck that obvi comes with trying to hide this stupid addiction.

1. Having to find a way to sleep. For me I take edis (I never do weed normally bc paranoia), binge drink and take 2 Benadryls to fall asleep..

2. Having to act like I’m normal and tired when I’m probably obviously jacked up.

3. Having to hide my ridiculously high heart rate when we’re cuddling.

4. Laying awake af next to husband while he’s sleeping peacefully. Sometimes I’ll use my phone next to him but I try not to bc I don’t want to disturb his sleep.

This will be a reminder to myself why I’m better off than on.

——— My background if you want to read lol

I relapsed after hitting my personal clean record of 30 days and picked up another RX of Adderall 20mg IR (2x a day). I’ve refilled twice now and just picked up the 2nd refill today. Was probably taking 100-140mg a day for the last fill. Also I’m 30F & husby is 31M.

TBH the 30 days off were great and I now know I’ll be okay when I stop 👍🏼 My last refill lasted me 10 days before I ran out and I had 3ish clean weeks that were spent hopeful (im usually hopeless) about the possibility of a clean life.