A few times I’ve felt like I’m moving in the right direction, but at 13 months I feel like I’ve regressed…. My brain is still scattered and in a fog. Taking care of myself, working, and cleaning is so hard at the moment. I’m so tired. I’m emotionless. I’m flat. I’m anhedonic.

In the back of my head I wonder if I just permanently fried my brain.

Sometimes I think of suicide to escape this. Sometimes I think I may just need to go on a low dose of stimulants for life.

95% certain I won’t do either now, but if I’m like this forever, then it becomes increasingly likely.

I keep stressing and trying to find other causes. All my bloodwork is normal. Maybe it’s the Wellbutrin or low dose Gabapentin. My doctor says no.

I want so badly to be able to come back here in a year, tell you all it got better and I’m a new man, and help more people.

Fuuuuck. 13 months of this. On top of 2.8 years of stimulant mania and insanity.

Nearly 4 years of my life in a mental storm. A hell.

I don’t recognize my life now. I destroyed my career. My family and friend relationships.

I missed being present with my son from ages 4-7 and that makes me want to kill myself due to the regret and pain. I’ll never get those years back and I can’t live with the pain of that.

The worst fucking thing. The worst…

When I first took that prescription Vyvanse, I nearly cried.

“Finally, l’ll be the man my family needs. Everyone will be proud of me now. I’m fixed! People will love and respect me more.”

And it ruined me. That is the tragedy. I did it all for other people.

And now I’m 10x worse than I was before. And I worry even if I make it back to baseline, I’ll still be the disappointing loser.

When I was on stims. I made it big. I was doing cable tv interviews and paid speeches.

But it destroyed me in the end.

Who am I? What happened to my life?

This is a nightmare and I want to wake up.