For context, I’m a 28yo female alcoholic. I went to rehab back in the fall and was in a sober living up until two weeks ago. About three weeks ago, I decided to get my hands on some concerta (had some sent to me by a family member, then got my doctor to put me back on it- I used to be on it but stopped around the time I went to rehab (encouraged by the rehab)). Well, I never once took it “as prescribed” nor did I have any desire to. I was snorting that shit and cutting the pills open to swallow in the sober living bathroom from day one. Obviously, after about a week my tweakerish behavior got me kicked out of the sober living and I came back to my apartment. Since then, I ran out of most of my pills quickly so decided to buy some pressed addies off you know where. Then I found out they’re mostly meth. So I had the brilliant idea of cutting out the middleman and just buying straight meth instead. This was fueled largely by a desire to bill more hours (I’m a lawyer and suck at my job) but also I guess a bit of curiosity, I met a lot of people on meth in treatment and I can’t lie, was a bit morbidly curious as to what it’s like.

Anyway, I’ve been using meth the past 5 days. I finally broke down and told two sober friends today about what’s been going on and they’re obviously urging me to go back to treatment or at least detox. I guess in my head on the one hand it feels a little dramatic to me because I’ve only been using meth for 5 days and feel like I can’t possibly already have a meth problem. On the other hand, it’s fucking meth, I’m already an alcoholic, and I feel myself driven by this insane urge to use more, buy more, lie more so I can keep this going as long as possible. It’s also just weird because I’ve always considered myself an alcoholic, I NEVER did drugs until now (jumped right to meth, wtf) but maybe I’m a drug addict too?

Deep down I want to be sober again and I know this road leads nowhere good, but I’m also terrified of asking for help plus want to keep using. Idk, I feel fucked. Am I fucked?