So I thought I make a sort of a journal here. I really feel the need to vent and to feel seen and understood.

So, I am 28F. Long I thought I was a creation of trauma and addiction. 5 years ago I went to rehab. At that point I was 14 years in addiction. I came out of rehab and stayed clean for a while. Only, not so long.

I finished school and I'm very proud at it, but I have a problem. My addiction creeped back. I'm in a relationship with a guy and he doesn't know about my relapses. Also, I'm very good at hiding it. It's not something I'm proud of but it's something I struggled with.

For so long drugs was my identity. I talked about it and nurtured my addiction because I felt connected and beautiful and sexy without insecurity or hatred.

Since last year I'm building my new life. But I was a mess. I never did anything else then partying and after rehab I'd isolated myself from the world, so that nothing could affect me. Great recept on how to build depression btw. After my addiction everything kicked in hard. I was insecure, I didn't even knew who I was. I didn't had an opinion and I was very "small". I literally had to recover by getting to know myself and my feelings. And then I occasionally relapsed. Around school I'd completely filled back.

Last month I had like 5 or 6 grams, it's al gone. It's not much on a daily basis because I sleep, eat and go to work, but I don't want that anymore. I deserve better and only I can give that to myself.

I'm ready to take matters in my own hands, because I want to be part of the solution. It's my goal to help as many people as possible by offering a chance to get heard and to feel seen. I know that there are many, many fighters under us who are in recovery. Not only from addiction, but also mental health or poverty, there are so many things one can recover from.

It's very valuable, we can make a change for so many people just by living our best live. I refuse going back to the me who was so hurt by trauma that she didn't thought she was worthy. Who was self-destructive and who's biggest friend the mirror and my camera was. I was really narcissistic in my addiction. I want to be hope and inspiration. And that's what I'm gonna do 💜

Thank you for taking the time to read this 🙏.