..or conversely tell me I’m an idiot for trying. I just can’t do this in the middle anymore. In advance, I apologize that this is so long.

My husband has been taking adderall since he was 20 or so. He’s now 37. He started in grad school for “focus.” He has an addictive personality, would buy more off friends, and also drank. He nearly died drinking, and stopped entirely just like that. He’s been (alcohol) sober for 6 years.

When we first got married, I thought it was just him. I thought I had married this volatile, unpredictable person who randomly turned into the most hateful person I knew. On our honeymoon, he told me my acne made me “look like a methhead.” We spent that week with me taking care of him while he was sick and rude. On our first trip away, he spent the week using his last few doses to keep himself awake to night fish the first night. The rest of the week he did all the withdrawal things-mad about every little inconvenience, threw things, cussed and when we had sex it was rough and hurt and I’ll never forget it.

This went on until I realized what was going on. I feel like an absolute moron for not seeing it before, but he hid it so well. He would take all of his monthly prescription in a span of a week and a half, working overnight on projects or whatnot, and then turn into this thing I didn’t even recognize. Just thinking about it brings up dread.

We’ve had good discussions about it. He’s actually incredibly reasonable when he’s not going through withdrawal. We had an argument about how it makes him act, how he treats other people when he runs out, and he tried Vyvanse to see if it was less… idk. Potent. He hated it, since it was 1x a day. He ran out when i was IN LABOR and I remember walking trying to get contractions going while listening to him calling the pharmacy trying to get them to fill it a few days early. They wouldn’t of course and so I was postpartum with a medically complex child while he slept away his withdrawal and/or told me things like how he was going to get rid of my dog since she ran away.

I told him he can’t do this long term and expect it to not negatively influence his and or daughters relationship. I told him I don’t know how I’ll explain that to her. Six months ago, he went 3-4 months without abusing his prescription after this conversation. Then one day I came home and he very quietly told me he’d messed up and asked me to just sit with him. I did. I told him it was okay, that progress isn’t linear, that he’s overcome so much in his life and I believe in him. Well, he has run out every month since.

I don’t know what to do. I do love him. I know without a doubt he’s capable of better. I believe he wants to do better. But it’s so…fucking exhausting. He’s perfectly fine with or without the meds, but during the withdrawal, he’s abominable and/or a complete child.

TLDR; husband chooses not to take his adderall as prescribed and I don’t know how to or if my being supportive matters at all. Looking for encouragement and advice. Please be gentle. “Just leave him” isn’t an option right now. We have days until his refill and I’m just trying to scrape myself together.