For starters I'm basically the textbook poly addict. Only thing I didn't ever fuck with are opioids, but everything else has been fair game. I just want to run and hide, and nearly every substance does the trick when cycling through them. Year ago I took MDMA first time. It was like for many others an intense and magical experience that truly changed me as a person, maybe even more than my mom's tragic death 10 years ago. It allowed me to heal in ways I didn't think was possible and it sucks to admit how much I owe that (first) experience. There lies the crutch I guess, since immediately I just started chasing the dragon.

I abused it heavily right out the gate, and it's kind of insane how long the magic last, or so I thought. Now looking back I realize the "magic" really only lasted that first time. Ever since the feeling was still there when using, but I realize that those good things I got from it started a spiral that's been impossible to stop. I thank god I'm poor and my doses over the past year have been mostly moderate. The thing is I needed to wait 2 or 3 weeks otherwise it was too dull and made me just wanting more. That's when I hopped on the speed train just to feel even a little bit of that feeling in the meantime. It was eight months of stimulant abuse, but since christmas I've relapsed on amphetamines just once.

I am now slowly learning the sober life for the first time since.. ever. I even quit nicotine and caffeine. It's hard, but I'm committed and realize that for me it's all or nothing at this point, and coming around to accept that. The thing is, I just can't seem to fuckin stop missing MDMA. It's tough pill to swallow that it can't be in my life since I still get the afterglow each time that lasts days. I don't understand that even with magic gone there is still something for me and I want to stop before it's too late.

Day before yesterday I indulged two days in a row, something I've never done before and the doses were crazy. The whole ordeal left a disgusting taste in me, and the comedown has been brutal. I've tried to write this message for the last 24 hours, since my head is just shot. The most miserable thing is I still want more and I fear the moment when I get myself together, only to start craving for it again at some point.

I don't hate the substance, I've got the self-love part figured out, but I do think much of my behavior and personality seem to be tied down how I feel after using. Obviously I may have done some damage, but am looking forward trying to leave this behind me. I want to give it up, but am really at lost how difficult this seems to be.

I just wanted to vent, but any kind or words of wisdom are appreciated. For some reason this was hard for me to admit. Only my significant other knows this and she is incredibly supporting and has been the reason for wanting to get clean, but now I also want it for myself. What kind of a life it's chasing something so fleeting, same experience over and over again. I've lurked here for months now, and I want to thank everyone here. It has been a huge help for dealing with my addiction watching the compassion and support in here. Makes me feel not alone with this.

I can't say I didn't know after the first time with MDMA that I was in thin ice immediately. I just didn't realize the physiological addiction of it could be this strong and I have not seen many people talk about it. Hope everyone here peaceful recovery and if anyone reads this and understands, know you are not alone.