Well shit.

I finally reached the point everybody is telling you about. The point where taking the drug of choice is like a feeling of "refreshment" or "contemptness", rather than a full rush like pushing down the accelarator in a super car. Though of course the negative feelings and hurtings the drug produces are magnitudes higher. Though your still young, what´s going to happen right?

But when you stop taking the drug oh boy.... the craving. The hunger for this "rush" overpowering your mental fortress you tried to build after you realised "shit... I got to at least try to take a break. My body is in the shitters as well as my mind. Maybe at least month should be doable". And after 7 days you think to yourself "ahh weeeellll it wasn´t so bad, wasn´t it? I mean I already feel fine. Gotta just pace a little slower next time"

And then the next time your doing a big fucking dose, just to "catch up" with lost oppertunities to feel the rush. I mean you were patient right? Took a break, didn´t you? Now you deserve a little reward right?

This is basicially the point I have reached with cocaine being my drug of choice (mainly). And it´s getting so fucking ridiculous, I just had to to write it down somewhere.

Now my history with stimulating substances is "only" five years long. When I started doing drugs I skipped weed and speedlined straight into ... well... speed. And MDMA. And Coke. And Ketamine. In one single night. I was a bit in a bad spot during that time and didn´t really gave a damn. After that I stopped basicially for 1 1/2 years. Got my shit back together and focused on my work. But then I got curious again. Why not treat yourself once in a while? I recovered just fine after my last experiment, so surely I´m just build different.

And so I basicially tested every substance you could find. From LSD and 2-CB to MDMA and cocaine and even Heroin and crystal meth. Crystal Meth is even used today in medicine, I just had to use it responsibly ! (right?).

And for about a month it kind of worked to use responsibly. But when I found out how to feels to combine watching porn and Methamphetamine, I thought I found some kind of heaven I didn´t even know existed. And with that every precaution I did when using drugs, flew out the window. Weighing your dose? Recovery time? Remembering to drink ? naah gotta search for that perfect stepmom porn and I´m only 4 hours in !

After I expectedly overamped bady I threw all stuff away and "swore" to just forget about the stuff and move on. Guess what grew in my head 6 months later? Thoughts like "ohh well... I mean I was just using irresonsibly. Just remember the bad stuff that happened last time and all will be fine"

And then my usage of Meth kind of switched on and off for about 2 years every few months. And the effects diminished more and more. And then I rediscovered cocaine and it was like love on first sight.

At first I only used during weekends. And slowly over months it started to creep into the work week. And now it´s basicially all the time, if I have stuff available.

Like everytime after I use I realise "fuck man, I´m in freefall to hell. My chest hurts, my body aches, my memory and concentration is in shambles. Just. Fucking. Stop."

And one hour later I forget all of the above and just think about the next stim-fap session.

I realise that I´m deep in shit, but I don´t want to think about it, because then I feel like panicking.
I´m telling myself "Well I could just stop everytime, I´m just not feeling like it right now", but at the same time I know it´s a lie.
I look back the path I took and realise the 1:1 signs of addiction you can read everywhere, yet I lie to myself "well it´s not really me right?" and the next tab of Pornhub is already open.

My life has become a circus and I am the clown on stage.

I´m wondering when my desperation is high enough to pull me out myself or how deep the fall´s gonna be until I hit the bottom (if there ever is one).

Until then I´ll probaly just think about quitting, about just stop using. It´s that easy right? I mean there aren´t any withdrawels with cocaine so it´s no problem, right?

I guess you don´t really know that you are on the path, until you already walked on it.