Throwaway because people I know IRL follow me on main one.

The story goes:

Am rotting in bed majority of the time since age of 12. Tried speed when I was 15, used it VERY rarely. Now I’m 19F.

2023 started very rough, heartbreaking shit happened, felt hopeless and useless, alcohol addiction that dragged on from when I was 15 became much worse.

Beginning of summer I took some speed with a friend. Started functioning much more, drinking much less. You can see the appeal. Immediately started using it once every two weeks, and after a month, once/twice every week. This week I used it four times, as I do 99% of the time.

Now my BMI is 17.2, I cancel plans last minute because I haven’t slept, lost friends, missed opportunities, don’t do shit except DM people, been kicked out of the house etc.

I don’t feel the side effects of not having any energy at all or being extremely depressed like some of you, unfortunately, do. But every day after the comedown all I want is to buy more. I’m still lazy as shit and lay around the house doing nothing, like I was before it. Every day I tell myself it’s going to help me with this incompetence. It does, in a sense that I get hyperfocused on something/someone rather than just scroll away my life - with a cost of being absolutely miserable disgusting plant the next day, which seems to be forgotten shortly after.

I want to quit, but little motivation it gives me is something I haven’t been able to feel for years now, especially last one. Are these first signs of addiction, full on addiction, and how to fucking help myself? Thank you.