After yet another relapse, I realized that I don’t know how to stop. I physically can’t. So, I did the only thing I could do - I emailed my psychiatrist.

I still can’t believe I did it. It was really short - just two sentences telling her that I’d abused my pills and couldn’t take stimulants ever again - but I wanted to send it before I chickened out.

I have to admit that I’m mourning a bit right now though. I’ll never be prescribed another stimulant. I love them more than life itself, but I can’t take them. And I finally realize that. The past several years in addiction have transformed me into someone that lies, steals, and destroys everything in my path in order to get just one more pill.

I write this with two pills left in my bottle and no refills in sight. Goodbye old friends. Here’s to new beginnings.