After 4 years of prescription stimulant addiction, I finally got sober at 25. Those 52 days sober were hard, but worth every moment. I was so proud of myself for how far I’d come.

Until I relapsed yesterday. I’m only finally starting to come down and I all I can say is that it wasn’t worth it at all.

I’m so depressed. Relapsing brought me right back to the darkness and pain I experienced during active addiction. Pain that I’ve tried hard to repress because it’s just too much to handle. But right now it’s consuming me.

I don’t know how I’d forgotten the anxiety of watching the sun rise after a stimulant-induced sleepless night. The loneliness and guilt brought on by my binges. The memories and shame of being assaulted on multiple occasions while high with a few too many drinks in me. The sadness I felt watching my dog curl up alone on the couch rather than sleep with me in bed while I was tweaking.

I’m spiraling a bit from this relapse and I really need words of advice, kindness, or guidance. Thank you