Been without for almost a week and I have been sleeping better, eating more and in general overall more happy. My best friend is doing the same and the change in both of us has been incredible. But, simotanouesly it was a week from hell at work. Normally, on a Friday afternoon after I get home, I would load a giant Booty Bump or Massive Point let it settle and administer it and blasT off to Pluto and end up StimFapping for no less then 16 hours at a time. Sometimes climaxing more than once and sometimes barely getting an orgasm and load out that it really didn't even help me with my craving and desire for more. On my birthday last Monday I finally reached a point in which it was no longer fun and made the choice to dump all I had in the toilet. It has been an incredible week without, minus the hellish week at work and I want to continue down this path knowing a year from now I'll be in a better place emotionally, spiritually and health wise. But, the intense craving for this shit and then jacking off for hours is almost overwhelming since late last night. I want it so bad and in my dark mind I have told myself that it's ok on so many times that ai have lost count. I go to get the money and then stop and think about the wreckage in my life that I have caused. I think about the heartache I have dealt to myself and the heartache of others. I know that people know and choose not to say anything. I know my best friend would be disappointed in me as he has been a rock through this week not using himself. We have been encouraged by each other and it's been making a strong bond with each other even stronger. I don't want to hear or see the hurt in his eyes if use and then tell him I did. I couldn't handle that level of hurt and disappointment he would have in me. I just want to use to make myself "feel better" but I know it's just a continuous dark path I would be traveling. I can't do that to myself or anyone I know and love. I love my best friend and family more than I love myself and that is what I am focusing on right now, their love and faith in me. I am going to make everyone proud one day. I was able to, on my birthday, make the decision to dump what I had and invest in my future. I love them all and know I need to keep walking the path of light I have started on. Follow the path God has placed on front of me and see where my future leads me. I have a chance to start fresh soon in a new town in a new state, I am not willing to let that go for this shit and the StimFapping that follows. I just have to buckle down and know there are others out there like me. Encourage myself and my best friend and know in a year we will be in better place. I can't wait to see what I look like then. I can't wait to make them and all the people near and dear to me so proud. So, I'll white knuckle these cravings and make it through the weekend. I'll be better no matter what. I love you all and stay clean it'll be worth for all of us in the end. Sorry, just my thoughts of my mind fighting this war.