To provide some context, I’m a 23 year old trans guy (ftm, he/him) who had been mislead to believe that he was infertile LONG before I realized I was trans. I had been on hormones for almost 2 years but I had to stop last year after my anxiety got bad to rule out the possibility of it being caused by my testosterone. Before I came out I was in a very abusive household and had self harmed from the time I was 15 to 18, with a relapse when I turned 20 a week before I escaped.

I feel absolutely disgusted and ashamed of myself for a variety of different reasons...I had just come to terms with an unplanned pregnancy and decided to place the baby for adoption. Even found a wonderful couple for my little one to go to. I miscarried a few days ago. I should have expected it with it having been a 1/1000000 chance of being able to conceive and both my health issues along with my partner’s issues that I wouldn’t be able to carry to term. I should be relieved that I will be able to start my hormones and reverse the feminizing effects of pregnancy. But I’m not. I was so distraught that I scratched myself and fucked up the insofar my mouth to the point where it hurts to talk just trying to wake myself up in hopes it was all a bad dream. Now I just feel ashamed and disgusted and horrified that I relapsed so badly after so much progress. My partner is worried to leave me alone and I’m terrified to be alone, but the mental health facilities aren’t very good here. I need help but I don’t know what to do anymore. My therapist isn’t open until July