Whelp, I guess I feel like sharing and maby just... Thinking out loud? Sorry if this gets a little long.

I'[m] 31 now, and have been into gaming for the better part of my life. My dad's a gamer, and I remember even as a kid getting to play on his old commodore (or something similar). As I got older, I got to play more games, but it was all pretty balanced with other things I did. I drew a ton, loved to read, and played with friends.

Just before my teens, my parents got into a pretty messy divorce (lot of fighting, before they eventually split) and I was bullied in school, and I dealt with it by diving head first into books and games. I guess there it shifted from a hobby to a coping mechanism. When my mum later got a new bf, who was abusing alcohol/drugs and dragged her into that lifestyle, that coping only got reinforced.

The first year of high-school I did some pretty good effort to keep my grades up, but after that I discovered I didn't need to learn a lot to keep up with the things (I'm pretty intelligent), and since most of my friends where avid gamers as well, I just ended up gaming a lot. Back then I didn't see myself as an addict, more as a passionate hobbyist.

Near the end of highschool, I picked up re-enactment, which, in hindsight, really stopped my addiction from developing further. Almost every weekend throughout summer, I was outside with friends, sleeping in tents, having fun without a computer. By now I still read and drew, but waaaay less than I used to.

After highschool I went to study game development. Thinking I could make my passion into my work. But at the same time I was very frustrated with my lack of social skills, never having dated, and so on. Seeing I was surrounded by people struggeling with the same things at my education, I realized that I wasn't going to learn the things I actually wanted to learn in game dev. And I quit in the first half year in favor of art school.

There I was surrounded with a bunch of social butterflies (as well as some awkward people) which was just what I needed. I moved out, got a couple of awesome housemates, got more friends who weren't gaming all the time, and got a more blossoming social life because if it.

I started experimenting with drugs, almost got addicted a couple of times (alcohol, twice. Cannabis once) but managed to nip that into the bud because I've experienced first hand the problems of substance abuse from the situation with my mum. (I was on high alert, so to speak). But those experiences made me more aware that my gaming behaviour might be of a similar category.

By now, I barely read (maby 1 book a year) and really only drew (/painted/clayed/ect.) what I had for school. I did have my social engagements, and picked up a sport (rollerderby) but the rest of my time was pretty much spent gaming. I noticed my school suffered under it like my highschool had. But in the field of art, it's not about just getting passing grades. It's about getting the most out of it. I knew that. But still I kept getting stuck in that passing grade mentality in favor of gaming.

Now that I realize that, it really stings.

Anyway, I graduated artschool by the skin of my teeth, went to work a couple of part time jobs while trying to keep my art carreer going. Since I spend a lot of my free time gaming, my art carreer didn't really go anywhere. I switched jobs a couple of times, got depressed twice, burned out once, and kinda thought 'is this it for me?'

By now I was approaching 30, had a gf twice, but it always ended after 1,5 years because of my own insecurities (among other things), and I felt pretty desperate on that field. I did build up a wonderful friend group, but I was leaning way more on them than I should. I was having really intense, almost daily panick attacks after my 2nd gf broke up with me and I started to, for the first time in my life, prioritize mental health over everything else in my life.

I started seeing professionals about my autism (got diagnosed during art school) as well as my panick attacks, and eventually decided to get refurbished as a mental health care worker to help others trough my experiences. Meanwhile, my gaming dependency kinda fluctuated, but was still very present.

Right now I feel blessed. I am nearing the end of my internship period, expecting to graduate in a couple of months in a field I don't only love working in, but apparently am talented in as well. Notable to mention is that pretty much my entire job description consists of talking to people, emphasize with them, picking up social cues, and so on. All the things I thought as a teen I'd never be able to do. I have a blossoming social life, with wonderful friends, and in a few weeks I will start therapy to deal with the pain/obsession of being single so I can let that go and hopefully start dating constructively (rather than co-dependantly)

And yet with all those wonderful things, I still don't feel in controle of my life. As longs as I'm at my internship, or with friends, everything's fine. But as soon as I'm home alone, you guessed it, I either turn on my PC or phone (or both) and here I am grinding away that precious time on past times I by now have lost the better part of my passion for.

I haven't done my dishes in 2 months, barely pay my bills on time, haven't started applying for jobs (which I should have done months ago) and so on. Not to mention never reading/drawing again. Even catching up on a 5 page article that's work related is asking a lot.

I guess what I'm saying is; I'm able to recognize that after years of struggle and awareness, I still have a problem. My escapist tendencies go at the cost of the autonomy and controle I feel over my own life, and I fucking hate it. I'm not a very religious man, don't believe in an after life, but instead consider life a gift and really want to make the most of it.

If I look at all the wonderful moments I missed out on throughout the last decades, moments that I traded for time behind the PC, I feel sad, and even angry. I don't regret the quality times I had playing games, but there are so many more hours, days, weeks, of just grinding away those precious moments.

I don't want to quit gaming, but I do want to take controle back over my own life. To be able to take full responsibility over what I need to do to make the most of it, and to not let my escapist tendencies but my lust for life decide what I spend my time on.

I guess I'll do that by;

1) becoming aware of when/how/why I fall back on my escapist tendencies

2) figuring out what I need to let go of- or replace those tendencies

3) over time setting achievable goals, and make sure I reach those

4) check in with myself, change my goals where needed.

I guess that's all for today. I feel good getting this off my chest. If you read all the way trough, thank you. Feel free to AMA, and I'm alway gratefully for (constructive) feedback.

Tl;Dr: I've been struggeling with a gaming addiction for the better part of my life, I've seen how it has kept me from living the life I wanted to live and would very much like to remove that limitation for the years to come. I want to be back in controle.