Game titles are blacked-out so this can be read by those not wishing to be triggered by references.

TL;DR keep a journal of how shitty you feel after crashing, identify what aspects of games/genres cause you issues

Like probably all of you I've been gaming from a young age (now 33). I spent much of my childhood gaming hard (would game 2-3 days straight only moving to eat, sleep, and shit) until about high school when I got a new group of friends and started chasing girls. I still gamed but was starting to gain adulthood life autonomy having a car and playing sports.

In the intervening years I gamed at healthy level, a few hours a week, but the past few years I've noticed unhealthy treads. I would play games>! like Stellaris and City Skylines!< and get sucked in for 12 hours only to do it again the next day. Setting timers did nothing. I hated myself afterward for wasting time, not eating proper meals, and losing sleep all while thinking about the games when not at my computer. I learned that management-type games are very addicting for me, given the openendedness and lack of stopping point. Coupled with hand issues I developed from mouse use, I stopped playing them. I now have no desire to touch them, and haven't since I identified these issues.

After that I went back to my all-time favorite game, Skyrim. Unfortunately, the existence of mods turns it into something completely different than just an immersive rpg. I wouldn't play vanilla because it's kind of pointless when better graphics and quality of life improvements exist, but it snowballed every time. I'd spend countless hours modding to get "just the right experience," play for hours and hours, lose sleep, not eat right, think about it at all times. I'd even think about organizing my life around playing it. I'd then delete everything in shame and regret, 3 months would go by, and I'd waste weeks rebuilding the modlist and playing again. This cycle went on for 2 years and 3 steam accounts—I'd delete the accounts to put a financial speedbump in the way as a prevention measure, but it didn't help much.

I also found the Dark Souls franchise which I fell in love with, but the difficulty level created a cycle of frustration. If I didn't progress enough to feel like I'd accomplished something, it would ruin my entire day and I would indulge in my other bad habit, porn. Not getting "just the right experience" in Skyrim lead to the same effect. I noticed that this circuit of not getting what I want in a gaming session always pushes me to use porn, that they're linked in my reward response. I denied it at first but came to accept it later on.

Through all this, I didn't necessarily identify myself as a 'gamer', but my playing of the latter francise pushed me to identify with it, in a way that was really weird. I felt like I had to represent it in my clothing and décor of my living space, wearing a DS shirt or having a poster. Part of me always felt it was weird, but I argued that I was just 'afraid of being my true self.' To be clear, there's nothing wrong owning things like that, but what I realized is I was representing the games in my real life as a way to deepen my use of them despite the issues they were causing me.

Recently I confronted and accepted all these issues after a session of meditation and self-reflection while on an edible. I recognized all the poisoning things MY interaction and use of games was having on my life. I don't think games are inherently bad, but some people in certain circumstances have a harder time maintaining a healthy relationship with them. I'm a single dude with a lot of time on my hands and not too many friends (I've moved around a lot and am generally solitary by nature). It may sound weird to some, but it requires a lot discipline to hold oneself accountable when the gaming isn't affecting others and isn't actively destroying your life. Through all this I still went to the gym, still worked my job and maintained good grades in school, but I was impatient, short-tempered and tired needlessly because of it. Now in accepting that my current relationship with gaming (and certain games in particular) isn't affording me happiness and is actually an obstacle to it, I've decided to quit for a period of time.

What's different this time is I've journaled how I felt after playing>! Skyrim and Dark Souls!< so that when I get urges I can read the feelings of my despairing self. This has been significant in reminding me how I feel afterward. I'm able to recognize that the fix/experience I'm looking for will be fleeting and end up in pain. This has made it possible to go 3 weeks without any desire to play games. I saw a video of Elden Ring today and decided to write this post as an entry for myself and a way to support the community.

I don't plan on quitting entirely. I have found some games that I don't have this unhealthy relationship with, namely The Pathless, Journey, Abzu, Stray etc. These games are chill and/or provide more of an interactive storytelling experience than a competitive power fantasy (DS), and I've found that I can use them in a healthy way. My stipulation is that I will delete my steam account again (already started, deletes on Sept 3) and create a new one when Sengoku Dynasty (I love Japanese culture) comes out. Though it's a sim game in some aspects similar to SkyrimI won't need to waste hours modding to bring an old game up to date. I mention this because I think it's important, for those who want/are able to retain gaming in some fashion, to identify what it is about their use that is problematic and stay away from that aspect. If you even think "this doesn't make me feel good," figure out what it is and stop doing it. Don't get in a logic battle with yourself that ends up with you repeating painful habits, trust your instincts. Find a different genre or some other avenue to explore. Anyway, thanks for reading and I wish you luck on your journey. Stay strong and find what works best for you.