So I was already a casual user for many years, occasional parties and nights out, like twice ever at home. I’ve definitely started using more frequently since her death, minimum 3 nights a week at home now, sometimes all if it doesn’t clash with working schedule. I was just thinking that, I don’t know, part of me feels like I haven’t even begun to deal with her death at all. Part of me feels numb, part of me feels like this is just an extended dream that when I wake up she’ll be home again. I realised while typing, this post is more about the fact that my mum died then a stoner thought. Grief is weird. This pain and grief I’m experiencing is actually unimaginable. I never in my entire life thought it was possible to feel this bad, ever. Sometimes I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing with my life anymore, it feels like life without her is unimaginable?

I’m just sad.