Originally posted this as a comment on another thread, but am way too fucked, too freaked out to sleep or leave bed for other stuff so figured I'd share and hope for some human interaction to distract me from what I have done to myself.

Stuff in the states sounds intense when it comes to drug relation. I'm in Canada and can't refill mine a day early either. But I have been with my pharmacy long enough that I have had it refilled early twice fairly close together for dropping a bottle in my fresh hot mop bucket and leaving almost a whole month's worth of prescription out of town with no way to retrieve it for quite a while. They were both covered by our disability program insurance. I also just got my doc to switch my dose from 60 once daily to 30 twice daily because it just does not last as long as I need it to and I definitely jumped too quickly to the 60 dose and it felt too amazing stirring up old problems with addiction. I'm so lucky to not have been flagged by the looks of the previous comments.

My doctor knew before ever prescribing me any adhd med I had a problem with methylphenidate that had been in remission for 15 years. I was honest with him about it from the beginning and honestly thought I would have no problems controlling myself because I had a strong enjoyment of being drug free for so long. I stopped chronically smoking for 3 years and now I only use the occasional incredibly low dose cannabis products for pain.

For a short duration ,after noticing my debilitating symptoms (adhd, binge eating and being so tired all the time I couldn't sit and read a book to my kids without falling asleep during it.) improve while sick and taking advil cold and sinus. I was literally better at functioning while sick because of the pseudoephedrine in the meds. That was when I decided meds might be a huge help. Stimulants work so well for me it's like someone turned a light on. All the things I beat myself up for changed overnight in a positive way and I learned I wasn't just lazy, I was working.so much harder to just do basic things other adults thought were so easy, with a brain that just wasn't able to function correctly . This realization rid me of alot of self hatred. I lost weight I desperately needed to right away just because I wasn't bingeing and wasn't forced in to sedentary by my chronic burn out.

Unfortunately my tolerance built quite quickly with Concerta and I would increase the dose on my own to be functional... but then addict braim kicked in and I turned to snorting a whole bottle overa weekend. The withdrawal and guilt l felt was so bad I broke down and told my counselor and psychiatrist. They were understanding and he made me take a few month stabilization break. I used high doses of L-tyrosine and coffee to survive. We started vyvanse because it was way less easy to abuse... or so I thought. I am currently in the same cycle. Even used my kids meds. So here I am 600mg and 3 days/night awake later . I feel so sick, tweaking to the point of hallucinations and feeling so ashamed of myself and yet so incredibly angry at the situation. It's so fucking infuriating that so many of us are addicted to stimulants when they help us so drastically before tolerance builds.

My husband is going to have him and my mom administer mine and my sons vyvanse daily from now on because they know how big of a difference it makes but want to keep me safe. Addict me is pissed because I'm in active addiction and don't want to lose the control over the high. But rational me knows I'm so godamn lucky to.have a medical team and family to support me. They make it, so I can still have the benefits of the medication when best practice is to cut me off and leave me with shit for options.. I know this is a long winded story but I see so many posts on here that show me this is a space of complete understanding and acceptance. And again I have taken enough of this drug in the past few months I'm lucky to be writing this. I planned to sleep tonight but redosed with 120 anyway and now feel so fucked I'm too scared to sleep and don't want to chance waking my house hold to see me like this. .

All of that being said, I have seen many a harm reduction threads that give ways to maximize drug benefits while minimizing damage from the drug. I found one in particular that has a huge list of.targeted dietary and supplement interventions for Meth. Vyvanse being an amphetamine, the recommendations apply to it as well. I am going to.try and follow it with my new controlled therapeutic dosage and see if it helps them work for longer. I really hope it does work bc the thought of living off stimulants again but forever is too much.

I was living to die without effective treatment. I have been on so many medications that I was overly sensitive to, had horrible side effects or made my mental health so much worse. Low dose sertraline with a stimulant is the only med combo in 15 years to make me feel healthy again . I've had alot of bad experiences with medication because my body can't handle them. Hence why having this combo taken off the table forever would.be devastating to me. I am going to link that thread as well as a podcast on maximizing dopamine that I hope can help others who feel like me or are trapped in the cycle of use all the meds and suffer until refill day even if just a little more.

If you made it this far in reading my drug fueled confessional my hats off to you and thanks! It took a fucking long time to write this with my body so tight/shaky and hallucinations around me/impeding the screen. 🤣

https://www.reddit.com/r/meth/comments/s5pr2y/meth_medicine_cabinet/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

https://open.spotify.com/e pisode/42F7z6Z4CB8hJAstRqMCiV?si=Owc1hJx0Q8K0tnnKnBWphA&utm_source=copy-link