I Just find my whole relationship with the drug so pathetic. When I enter a bad binge period I take upwards of 200mg in 24 hrs( maybe more) I’m a 5’2 130lb woman why the fuck am i taking such high doses. it’s also so hard to open up about the problem to anyone and im a full time college student too so I can’t just come clean and relinquish my right to the drugs or whatever cuz I need to get this degree. Im still a functioning human but holy shit I wish i had more strength. I have to ration my doses and divide them up into all these different containers like a freak. I have a group that I’m allowed to use for work and tasks and exams for upcoming days and then the other half inside a duct taped script bottle. If I really want to take that other half of the dose I need to be willing to rip open the duct tape but the idea of submitting to that shameful task is what keeps me away from it for a few days cuz it’s so embarrassing to be inferior to a pill bottle. I will take a tolerance break staring tomorrow until Monday just to let my brain and liver relax and avoid getting schizophrenia in 10 years. I’m so embarrassed by this problem I have it’s really so pathetic like I’m a high functioning tweaker. I’m also on a comedown right now and feeling quite depressed about the cycles of abuse I put myself through and on top of that I didn’t even finish my work that I was prioritizing. I am not always binging and eating up the script but in the winter months when my seasonal depression comes back it makes it a lot harder to say no that little serotonin. I have to actively try get into a pattern of being a normal person and taking it as prescribed but it’s takes a while for me to adjust back and then some stupid little trigger will set me off and I’ll come back to this self harm binge. It’s an evil vicious cycle that is caused by me of course but also some environmental triggers that I am trying to understand and dissect.

I just wanted to complain about the unhealthy situations I’ve created for myself. I know what I’m doing is really bad for my body and I’m also aware that it’s my form of self harm but I am trying so hard to understand my own problems and why it’s specifically this drug that I always come back to and not some normal one.