I think it’ll be doable - but hard.

Here’s my situation.

Since 2023, been having serious issues taking my Addy prescription in a helpful, non-destructive manner. Began with 50/50 chances of two possible outcomes.

Possible Outcome #1 - The responsible adult: taking 60mg as prescribed, getting academic work/productive shit done, coming down, eating, showering and sleeping

Possible Outcome #2 - The meth head: 60mg turns into 75 which turns to 90 which turns to idfk….proceed to spend 10 hours fucking geeked on either video games, stimfapping or wikipedia. Do not eat, do not rest, do not even get out of your chair to fill up your water bottle. In the blink of a fucking eye, 36-48 hours have flown past, every possible responsibility has been utterly neglected, and you’ve taken 30% of a MONTH’S worth of your adderall. All with jack fucking shit to show for it; as you crash down to planet Earth, all of your real, neglected responsibilities coldly stare you down. Right now, At 4am, this is my current predicament.

This 50/50 probability has, slowly, shifted in favor of the meth head outcome. 60/40, 70/30, at its worst maybe 80/20. It was real bad this fall, and I was on the verge of failing a required class, in part because of this.

But I managed to boss the fuck up. I did amazing w my addy during finals last December, and the stakes couldn’t have been higher. I kept it to 60mg/day as prescribed, if I TRULY needed it, an extra 15mg, and NO MORE. I actually stuck to this regimen, and focused ON STUDYING, NO video games, stimfapping or any other bullshit. I ended up acing that make or break exam. Had I not done kept my usage on a tight leash, I absolutely would have repeatedly binged instead of studying, would have failed the exam, and thus, the course, preventing me from being able to graduate in May.

So, I just Took a whole month off. Had my refill on Tuesday afternoon, and, like a fucking idiot, decided to pop a couple just for fun. Fucking. Retard. I’ve been geeked off my fucking ass for the past ~36 hours, 300mg total in that timeframe. What totally boggles me is I had no real need to take it at all, and did absolutely NOTHING productive. Alternated between Compulsive gaming & stimfapping. Barely ate, no sleep, feel like absolute death. Fuck man.

While I’m fucking confused and disgusted with myself for even doing this, I think a part of me deep down just fucking loves the cracked our laser focus. How fun, interesting, intense and captivating a stupid video game can become. I guess that feeling, in a nutshell, is why we speed, no matter the pain, suffering and detriments.

I think I’ll be able to go back to therapeutic use because this binge shit just isn’t even fun anymore. That is a crucial piece of the subjective experience that just felt “off.”. The whole binge, this slight guilt, disgust and dissatisfaction with myself for even doing this.

Maybe it’s time to grow up. (no promises 🤞🏽)