(I'm new to this sub so please be understanding if this isn't appropriate.)

i remember using like 20 mg of the instant release version a few months ago. i popped them pills after like what? 8 months being off of them? and i remember having the worst panic attack ever. i started crying over my failed relationship, contemplated breaking up, and the thought of doing that made me spiral horribly and I SH'ed the same day and OD'd on promethazine. i was thankfully not depressed or anything outside of this situation, so it wasn't hard for me to bounce back. but i haven't touched methylphenidate ever since, I've been scared to death to take it again and have been substituting it with copious amounts of caffeine. i am a student with ADHD, so i only want to use stims to enhance my cognitive performance and help me with my executive functioning.

my question is, do i risk it and pop methylphenidate pills again? the problem with caffeine is, i can never be sure if it will do its magic everytime i consume it (i just usually consume it via black coffee lol) so i do wanna try going back to methylphenidate again. but idk, I'm scared and i absolutely don't want to spiral the way i did last time again. or is there like a substitute i can obtain easily? I've never tried caffeine pills either, and I'd rather not take the high-risk stims. advice?