Woke up around 10:00pm after a nice 15 hour sleep. Upon awakening I am greeted with the aftermath of my binge and all it's consequences. Immediately Im hit with a deep and unpleasant feeling. A feeling I could describe with a hundred words. Looking around at the mess ive made and things I did during my binge, I cant help but think "why would I do that? What was I thinking?" Well im realizing now that I WASNT thinking. I notice that all I have to do is convince myself to take that first dose, justify it in some way, and then rest is history. Self control and self awareness go on vacation, and the stims take control of me for the remainder of the binge. All my moral values, inhibitions, and any other sensible thoughts are thrown out the window. It feels almost involuntary. Then, as always, once the stims run out Im left im left to suffer the consequences and think of all the reasons I wont binge again. Then through some bullshit justification, I take that first dose. "Let the show begin." I say with a wicked smile. Its same shit all over again.

Im in the infamous cycle, mentioned by so many in this community. Who else is in this cycle? how do you cope? Has anyone here ever gotten out? Whats the endgame? It just feels so helpless. So uncontrollable. So unavoidable. I feel like im soon to be a regular over at r/StopSpeeding.