Hi guys!

I'm gonna try to be as short as possible, but in a sub lika this i guess most members have some leniency when I'm a bit tweaked. 😅

Anyway, a little bit over nine months ago I quit all drugs, except nicotine. Maybe about four months in I started doing low doses of pretty weak benzos I got from a friend from time to time, but never to get high, just enough of a small dose to take the edge off an anxious day or calm me from a panic attack. I was honest about this to the doctors and nurses during my ADHD-evaluation, and they actually prescribed me low doses of a weak benzo for my anxiety. I then got the diagnosis and lisdexamphetamine, we started at 30 but I got a lot of side effects on that dose, which kinda shocked me, 'cause I've been abusing eurospeed the last ten years and thought my body would not react very strongly to 30 mg.

I told the Dr. I tried 50 mg one day which felt a lot better with a lot less side effects, so he prescribed me this. I don't take it everyday, I usually take it as prescribed for the most part, but sometimes I indulge and geek out!

So anyway, here's the part I wanted to tell you about. A few days after getting my new, stronger meds, I decided it was time to get fucked up, build a cat tree and just talk to people over the phone, hang on the internet, try to write some poetry and explore music (you can't begin to imagine how much I missed my guitar this evening/night, but I'm getting side tracked - shocker, huh? 😅), and it was a glorious night, lots of energy, focus, just felt the dopamine flowing, almost orgasmic shivers going through my body and head like when I first started using it recreationally. The only thing missing was company to share it with; I've never liked to tweak alone but it was fine.

I took some benzos in the morning when I was starting to come down a bit but still was pretty stimmed up. Rested for about an hour until I took some more Vyvanse, didn't wanna sleep during the day 'cause it really fucks up my night sleep. Kept taking a few more here and there, and then I noticed my phone was low on battery and put my charger in; panic started flowing through my body 'cause it just wouldn't load. Maybe I sound weak but without my phone I'm seriously handicapped.

I knew a friend had a charger I could take, but there were hours left until he quit his job. And now I was not only tweaking in a good way, the anxiety started creeping in heavily so I took my anxiety med and just laid down in the sofa, closed my eyes and breathed. My phone was almost dead at this point, so I could absolutely not use it - had to save the precious little battery I had to call my friend with the charger later.

And as I was laying there for about 1.5 hour, I experienced pure euphoria - extremely strong shivers just took over my body and I just felt sooooo fucking happy and content with my life, which I haven't been in a long while (a lot of hard setbacks lately, but I've soldiered through). I was in this electric bubble of extremely intense and extremely satisfying shivers that took over my entire body.

As everyone who has abused amphetamine heavily and daily earlier knows, these effects go away pretty early in your addiction and I did not expect it to come back to me on Vyvanse, even if my tolerance is low.

This is of course dangerous, because I really wanna do this the right way and not end up in active addiction again. But today I did it again, despite having things to do tomorrow which require me to go to bed at a reasonable time. But I won myself quite a few hours for tomorrow, so that's good - but really it's not, because That's classic addict behaviour. I thought to myself "at least I didn't cancel", which also is a clear addictive tendency. So after tonight, I'm gonna really do my best to turn this around, and if it feels even just a tiny bit too hard to manage the meds myself, I'll tell my doctor and either quit or get my dose delivered every morning. I am NOT going back to active addiction, fuck that disgusting excuse for a life. It killed my best friend not long ago, and other close ones earlier, and I will live the life they never got to live for them.

The recent loss of my friend, coupled with a lot of other traumatic things happening these last months, is probably what led to this. So I'm really going to try to process these things and not run away from them, as I've previously done.

TLDR: didn't do amphetamine for over nine months, took a lot of Vyvanse and it felt so close to the first time trying it. Electric, almost orgasmic shivers through my entire body basically the whole high, but on an extreme level for one and a half hours on the second day. This has strengthened the urge to abuse my script, which I will now do everything in my power to avoid!

I'll probably write an update in a week or two if people are interested.