22M, I never felt as if I fit in throughout my adolescence because I was awkward and sensitive. Fell into the drug group in high school because I couldn’t connect with my peers in any other way and ended up more or less having tried every drug by 17. I’ve had little bouts with weed and benzos but I otherwise consider myself stringently in control of my drug use, that is until I found dextroamphetamine and lisdexamphetamine.

Amphetamines have changed my life. Most of my friends enjoy partying and raving and I just can’t do it without amphetamines but I find myself having such a fucking good time when I do take them. I even find myself taking it for family events or when I will be in groups of large people because it has such a strong effect on my motivation to socialise. All it takes is two pills and fifteen minutes and I’m suddenly able to strike up meaningful conversations with strangers and chime into group discussions confidently and authentically.

I feel really grateful for these drugs, in my eyes they make me a better person to be around, but I also feel uncomfortable and guilty about taking them and I’m worried that I will end up addicted, with health issues or that I will commit suicide when I eventually decide to stop. I never use alone and my doses are pretty low (essentially therapeutic doses that my friends are prescribed) although I’ll often keep redosing throughout a night to keep myself going but I’m never tweaking, I just feel happy and comfortable expressing myself to others - something I’m completely incapable of when sober. On average I’ll use 0-2 times a week, sometimes with weeks in between dosing, other times I will use more.

I’m not entirely sure what I’m asking. If I’m being really honest, I guess I want permission or approval that what I’m doing is acceptable and ok. What does my future look like if I continue to use a couple of times a week? How can I work through this mental block I’ve created that I’m a boring, timid and lifeless person to be around unless I’m on amphetamines?