Spent the best hours of my life, like if I spent what felt like an eternity in heaven, until ultimately coming down feeling like I'll never reach that level of bliss ever again but at the same time it feels like a lie, was I even happy? Is it really happyness to take a chemical that feeds itself from everything your body needs to function, artificially making you happy so that it can continue taking everything from you until nothing is left, leaving you completely empty

maybe it's finally the time to get life back on tracks

I am now back at doing the most productive thing I can do which is laying in bed all day long doing absolutely nothing except staring at the wall and contemplating how miserable of a human being I became at such a young age, doing the worst decisions possible every time I could, losing everyone in my life as well as myself

I hope this time I won't be back at the "sober life is not worth it" bullshit again and stay in complete denial of my downfall to continue being an absolute piece of shit, I can't even spend one fucking second without thinking about drugs, I lost my energy, lost interests in what i liked before doing drugs, i liked so much learning new shit, studying history, playing videogames, drawing and imagining scenarios, going at the gym, being optimistic and positive about everything..

I'm sick of it already I just want to be happy again and I'll try to quit this useless shit before it's too late, life sober is easier why do i make myself suffer that much it makes no sense, i destroyed everything I had by using so much drugs from psychedelics, benzos, stims, RCs,.. there is not a single day without feeling exhausted and crippled in despair and anxiety, even this fucking hppd always remind me of how fucked I am now

I hope that the cravings won't come back and corrupt my mind again to make me fall in absolute pain and be in peace with it thinking I'm doing it by my own will

I still remember how my mindset progressively changed every single time that I was using mephedrone again, from being reasonable and doing sessions of only a few hours and being happy with it, until I started to binge the whole bag to end up snorting a mix of dust and leftover crystals on the table for hours trying to get the rush again, after only a few sessions over a month, everything in life became lame after that even after months of not using

I went through so many different states of emotions while writing this post and it made me finally get rid of my negative thoughts, I'm now more confident, sober life will always be shit if you don't make it enjoyable yourself and it's what addiction made me forget, I feel more free now, happy, if only it could stay like that

Thank you if you read all of that, good luck to everyone, life is tough sometimes.. never thought I'd end that low