Alr so yesterday I was trying out 45mg of addy IR 30’s. I think I have ADHD and maybe some other shit too just to note. After taking it with baking soda, vitamin d, and my acid reflux pill I was feeling pretty darn good, but noticed this underlying tension within me. Though I felt able to actually do shit without worrying about everything else I have to get done! It was an incredible and appreciative feeling to actually concentrate completely on what I’m trying to accomplish.

This creeping irritation was easy to push away in the beginning, refocusing on another idea or thought. It began to amplify as the day went on.

Then my mf plug wanted to just give me my shit IN FRONT OF STARBUCKS??? Like ik nobody cares and everyone’s minding their own business or whatever, but it don’t make all of em blind to whats going on around.

Anyways I thought I’d hop in his car we’d make the trade and he drop me off somewhere else or sum (it’s always sneaky wit my other plug) he wasn’t expecting me to hop in the car, guess he didn’t read my last message abt how I thought we were gonna do this. So I was trying tell him and he just didn’t get it but luckily when I just got in he rolled up the window and made the trade, got out of the car at the same spot in front of fucking Starbucks. Like dude this was the moment that really drove up my norepinephrine, feeling so anxious at this point. Had been about 5 hours since I dosed, would’ve been a lil on edge anyway but this shit that went down just fucking threw me at a wall and banged my head on the floor with fear, embarrassment, and shame. Like uh!!! This moment just felt so embarrassing cuz he didn’t know what’s up and I assumed he did, then it got all confusing, and we still looked sus asf like oh my GAWD 😫😣

Also I hadn’t eaten all day, it just feels so un-necessary and difficult when on stims. But I think this did contribute to my body trying to tell me mind to eat in a form of my anxiety perhaps?

Anyways I just felt super self conscious, was able to talk pretty well from my perception to people in my class after that, feeling a lot calmer, but also stuttering my words and struggling to spit out what my mind wanted to say.

Got home and reliving how embarrassing the day was. I didn’t know if I was stinky, I knew maybe a lil when I lifted my arm and I was like FUCK!! But I just felt like people knew I was on something, I think my pupils could’ve told em. But I mean stims dilate your pupils but not to the point of noticing right? Could you tell if someone is stimmed out by their pupils? I mean sometimes I can tell when I look at myself but they always return to small again, until the comedown I find they’re super big (but also combined with weed)

Difficulty trying to do my homework again, just thinking about how fucked the day was, trying to eat some protein, carbs, and veggies, I’m able to finish most of my plate but feel completely sick trying to swallow the last piece of what feels like the driest chicken.

To remedy this, I remember smoking weed gives my Adderall a little boost! When you stop feeling the wonky effects of weed ofc, when these sudden effects pass I get back into a more concentrated space that pushes me to do my work. Also taking .5mg of a bar to calm tf down cuz I felt like my body was going to explode.

Stayed up all night trying to do homework, definitely got work done so yay! But I haven’t slept since yesterday, I’m drinking matcha rn I think it’s bringing back that norepinephrine, my stomach feels scared and empty, I’m trying to eat but the damn thing won’t get full, like wtf!!

Oh also, the whole reason I wrote this duh!!! So I keep having these moments of extreme embarrassment and make these tense movements or expressions along with it. I noticed that I also experienced this side effect back when I abused a lot of Benny, except it killed so many of my brain cells that made it extremely difficult to function. I feel a little slow today still but also energetic, maybe the sleep deprivation? Also a lil paranoid like thinking I see shit from my peripheral, probably also sleep deprivation.

Anyways I super embarrassed about my role performance on Adderall yesterday, I felt I was receiving negative deference, any tips on how to deal with this shit or stories to relate?? 🤣😂😭