I was 16-17, had a girlfriend for the past 2.5 years , had a job, about to finish highschool life was good. This was 10 years ago, a time where RCs were eveywhere online in CA. So at the time I casully used LSD, mushrooms, and a small amount of cocaine. But my vice was the amps, Ritalin, dex, addy, whatever. At the time i started to connect amp use with chronic masterbation, binging on them and jerking off for hours, yet at this time i felt it was more controlled, which well almost devour my soul the next 10 years, ripping peice by peice. I was in grade 11.

But my relationship with my girlfriend was strong, I loved her, and she loved me, it was a great feeling, one that will be forgtton. I found out about ethylphenidate, a amp RC that I felt was 5x more potent and a quarter the price. For 100 dollars I could get a minimum of 5 grams to my door. I was in grade 12. This is when it started to grasp on to me, without me even realizing it. I wonder today if id never ordered that first bag, if we would still be together. I started to push her away and neglect her, at least what it looked like to her, i kept my masterbation life hidden, secret, i do to this day. As that would be the most embarrassing thing ever, so to her i was slowly drifting futher and futher away when i would make excuses and not hangout to jerk off on stims. Or be numb around her, not as up as i used to be, not as much sex drive, to her i was loosing interest. Assuming the worst. I dont blame her. What could i possibly expect?

Well, expectation became into reality, when my uncontroblle desire to touch my dick on stims had my avoiding my gf cause i didnt want her to know about my use. Lead me into talking to a local gjrl, sounding like a sex predator, she soon found out. One of a few times i engaged in sexting, which too me was nothing, a high desire, i wish i felt it. I knew I was wrong, but this drug, and the amount I was doing pushed me over the edge. I hurt her, without consciously thinking about my decisions.

We broke up. She felt I had totally lost intrest in her, and moved on, but no not to me, i still loved her, but how was she supposed to beleive that? I destroryed the one relationship that i felt this connection. It was horror for me, the girl i spent all of highschool with, shared so many good memories, and was basically my only friend was gone, to never speak agaun, vanished , it seemed.

A few yesrs go by and im 19 working at a pub getting into a pretty aggressive, party late, work late routine as a cook. As far as ethylphenidate wss concerned a used it for 6 to 12 montha after the breakup to try and numb the pain, and then they banned/relized it made things worse. Ive never touched it since. But make room for my next demon, cocaine.

Lifes pretty fast passed, working at the pub, socializing a ton, drinking a ton, whatever. I met a waitress that worked there and little bit goes by once we hung out drinking at partys a couple times, which i felt like was the base of this relationship. Began. We started dating, I thought we were having fun but i didnt feel the same connection i had before, it wasent there. Once i even yelled my exs name during sex, woops. Anyways we hungout lots, but during the time we dated i started binging cocaine for masterbatin. Minimum 8 ball. Doimg the same thing feeling satisfied from the jerks and only having sex to please my gf. This relationship was almost soley like that.

Summer came, I got accepted for trainging as a Wildland firefigter, which was the obvious choice. My girlfriend didnt want my to pursue it but i had to, i felt meaning out of this, not her. We broke up, it destroyed her, she would show up at my house for weeks after. She was a bit crazy.

I got the job, i started working as a Wildland firefighter for the summer, woot woot. I wont get into too much detail about my summer, but 0 drugs were consumed, i was entirely focoused on work.

End of season came, no work for the winter, BIG bank account. I want to buy a car or something useful, i try to keep this mentally snd it lasts maybe one or two months and i started splurding on cocaine, doing it for up to a week straight. Well every time i got high it was either meaningless sex with some woman or masterbation.

Fast forward a couple summers, working as a firefighter was able to save get a nice car kept myself busy, and was barley using drugs for at least one year. But then i found out bout the deepweb. Where i started aggressively experimenting with opiates, first morphine, oxy, then herion, and to this day, fentanyl.

This is a whole different issue but i figured its worth mentioning because of this i end up becomng homeless and moving down south for the next 3 years in a major drug hub. Doing meth and dope. Lost my lisence, job, got a criminal record, not sure if ill be able to get it back yet. To this day I still have a warrent for a petty crime to feed my addiction. When i was homeless i was in two relationships, one with an escourt, LOL. And the other, a junkie, but what was i, who am i? I wish i could tell you, the years of abuse has worn down on my soul, slowly ripping it out limb by limb over the next 10 years. ( from when i first did ethyl.

Anyways during the time the same pattern was consistently the same. Meth and jerk, still to this day, just a lot more sparse, im coming down off one right now, the first in months. Never really feeling anything like i had with that first girl. Will i be able to feel this way again? As i sit here and sob i wonder if i can heal from this, because i can't, it hurts so much that i caused this too myself, but why didnt i draw the line 10 years ago.

Not sure if it would even help or what not just for my own healing being honest with myself to explain to my ex of 10 years, who knows what she would do with it. Not sure if it would even help me , bottem line is i need to be able to feel genuine love again, i cant go on like this, a soulless, whisp. Was it my years of abuse? This is the first time ive summed it all up and explained it. Because of this im getting motivated to find a therapist, maybe let then read this or just explain, cause i feel i cant do this alone, and i need help. It kind of feels good to get this all out for once, for my own sake, kept private obviously, as this is very personal.

Thank you, and i hope to find help and inspiration in the answers. What next.

UPDATE. Hey guys just wanted to fill you in on my current position as I realized I kind of left that out.

I moved back to my hometown around 7 months ago. No longer homeless, as far as my addiction goes I was stable on 600ug Fentantyl Patch for matience therapy. I slipped this weekend and bought a half ounce, first time using in months, as well as the meth.

I'm planning on getting back stable on the fentantyl patch, and then looking into my next steps, I feel as I've been sitting on the fence for a while and not able to push myself to make the next leap. I don't know why. If I just remain on maiteince therapy without any anything else there is still a massive void and I will always end up using again.