It’s been much worse in my history, and I already hit what I thought was rock bottom a few months ago. Alas, here I am again completely disregarding my health and priorities. I’m a filthy whore (literally) when I pick up my prescription and sometimes I don’t even notice that I’ve found the bottle.

As I shakily work to unscrew the lid, I’m fully aware of how tweaked I am. I can feel it though, that demon inside of me that’s only craving is more intensity. Much, more. I begin to focus on the sissy porn that’s playing on high volume in my headphones and I shamelessly swallow 4 15mg IR pills like it’s my only meal of the day. Which it is, except for more adderall at lunch and dinner.

Fuck.

My tolerance builds very quickly when used at these high numbers. I’m wasting my 3-month prescription and am so worried about all the shame. Also, that fucking slow and awkward version of me that withdrawal always brings.

Anyways, here’s my binge report:

March 23rd- Took 45 mg- 5 hours (of sleep) March 24th- Took 105mg- 8 hours March 25th- Took 60mg- 5 hours March 26th- Took 105mg- 4 hours March 27th- Took 120mg- 9 hours March 28th- Took 135mg- 0 hours March 29th- Took 165mg- 6 hours March 30th- Took 75mg- 6 hours March 31- Took 150mg- ??????????

Can’t sleep, by the way. It’s only 4am so I should be good to be up by 10 for Easter Sunday with all the family. Whenever I’m using around them, it’s like they love me more. Like they almost forgot how witty and talkative I could be. Also, no one seems to think I’m high. I could be running on like three hours of sleep in four days, and be told how they can really see that I’m in a great place right now.

Huh?

The imposter syndrome is unmatched, and to cope I go to the bathroom and message (again) every Grindr profile near me a photo of me arching my butt in a perfectly slutty skirt and heels.

There is something about the second and third day awake that just turns me into a ravaging cock slut. A slut so eager that he will easily start moaning to himself (herself?) as he watches another “straight” man physically and verbally degrade a pathetic looking twink in a thong. “I’m a fucking worthless stupid faggot” I think to myself, as I close my eyes and put all my focus into this man’s deep voice. It doesn’t take too long before I’m saying it out loud and squeezing my shriveled dick endlessly, edging myself into oblivion.

I’m over it. After years of this addiction my kinks have gone far beyond what I ever even knew existed. I sometime miss the days when my favorite porn to watch was romance and kissing between two handsome guys. If I never abused this drug, where would I be?

Also, sober sex is like terrifying at this point. I don’t remember the last time I did it. Adderall and sex don’t work without each other 🤣

Anyways, ya, I’m about 8 hours since my last dose of 45 mg at 8pm. Thanks for listening to my rant. I haven’t even moved a muscle since I started typing and my phone’s acting slow lately, as it’s been averaging 12-18 hours of screen time a day.

Bye friends 🥳