Unfortunately I forgot about the Michael Jackson impersonator I had hired for my friend's birthday party and he got locked out in the cold the whole night. He came down with a bad case of pne-MOAN-ya (said like Michael Jackson says SHAMOAN)

I'm scared my morbidly obese friend is turning to gang life as a coping mechanism. Just the other day I heard him say he's facing some high blood pressure.

I took my hunter friend to a gay bar but he got kicked out for putting down bear traps.

It's honestly infuriating how adorable service dogs are and that we can't pet them. I think it should be the same system we have for humans. Let the really cute ones get attention lavished onto them and make the ugly ones work for it.

(Gesture to my vaguely Asian looking face) I'm not sure if you guys have been keeping up with current events but it's apparently not the best time to look like me. I've started wearing a sombrero and carrying maracas for protection.

Oh you support all lives matter? Name every person.