Preamble: I haven’t showed up to an open mic with an entirely new set in a long time. I posted parts of this on this subreddit. I’ve taken the criticism and notes, done some refining and came out with this:

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Conspiracy theories used to be fun. They used to be about how the world is full of mythical creatures and if we look hard enough, we can find them.

As a kid, I thought that was amazing. I tried to keep up for a while, but eventually conspiracy theories turned into like a TV show that should have ended a long time ago. Like it started off really cool, but now they’re out of ideas.

Season 1: Bigfoot? Incredible. Big hairy guy lumbering through the woods. Hates having his picture taken. As a kid who grew up in the Ozarks, I knew 27 people who matched that description.

Season 2: Loch Ness Monster. Another home run. Elusive, scaly creature, lives on a lake, hates having its picture taken. As a kid who grew up in the Ozarks, I knew 27 people who matched that description.

They lost me a little bit after that.

Season 3: …Abominable Snowman? No, it’s cool, I guess. It just seems like chilly Bigfoot. Whatever, maybe they get back on track next year.

Season 4: Bush did 9/11. Holy fuck. Talk about jumping the shark.

Bring back Bigfoot, did he move again, what’s happening there?

Season 5: Vaccines cause autism. okay, I gotta quit watching.

I quit keeping up, but every once in a while I’ll hear something about the new season that tempts me to tune in again.

“Really? Kanye is guest starring this week?”

Kanye West? Yeah, I’ll check that out. Claims to be a genius, but hasn’t done anything worthwhile since graduation? As a kid who grew up in the Ozarks…. I can relate.

Seriously, the only reason I still know anything about conspiracy theories at all is because I’m still Facebook friends with the people I went to high school with. And their attitude these days bothers me.

You know these are kids who barely got through high school and now they think they’re smarter than everyone. I miss school for that reason. Everyone was graded and ranked from smartest, to dumbest. Everyone kind of knew where they stood.

I think we need that. It’s been too long and now they think it’s an even playing field. I got into a political argument on Facebook with a guy, it was getting a little heated, and all I could think was “I was voted most likely to succeed. This guy used to set up shop in the bathroom and let you kick him in the nuts for $5.” Now he thinks we’re the same.

Most of these guys stopped learning things after high school, And high school kids are dumb. The other day I heard a high schooler say that “Gay people need to just go back across the border.”

I’m pretty sure that kid is a closet Mexican.

You think it’s tough coming out to your conservative parents as gay? Try coming out as Mexican.

“Mom, dad, I’m bi… lingual.”

I recently started coming out to some of my close friends as bisexual.

Seriously, you guys can’t tell my mom. I’m not trying to fuck around up here and get deported.

It’s tough being anything but straight where I live, and it’s tougher for the guys, I think.

It’s a little bit more accepted for for women. I mean, everyone still thinks they’re going to hell… but they’re more popular at parties.

Because guys are creeps, is really the reason. Guys will see hot lesbians “going to hell” and be like “I hate to see you leave, but I love watching you go.”