Conspiracy theories used to be fun. They used to be about how the world is full of mythical creatures and if we look hard enough, we can find them.

As a kid, I thought that was amazing. I tried to keep up for a while, but eventually conspiracy theories turned into like a TV show that should have ended a long time ago. Like it started off really cool, but now they’re out of ideas.

Season 1: Bigfoot? Incredible. Big hairy guy lumbering through the woods. Hates having his picture taken. As a kid who grew up in the Ozarks, I knew 27 people who matched that description.

Season 2: Loch Ness Monster. Another home run. Elusive, scaly creature, lives on a lake, hates having its picture taken. As a kid who grew up in the Ozarks, I knew 27 people who matched that description.

They lost me a little bit after that.

Season 3: …Abominable Snowman? No, it’s cool, I guess. It just seems like chilly Bigfoot. Whatever, maybe they get back on track next year.

Season 4: Bush did 9/11. Holy fuck. Talk about jumping the shark.

Bring back Bigfoot, did he move again, what’s happening there?

Season 5: Vaccines cause autism. okay, I gotta quit watching.

I quit keeping up, but every once in a while I’ll hear about the new season that tempts me to tune in again.

“Really? Kanye is guest starring this week?”