Hi this is me being sad daily, not depressed I think, but there is this meaninglessness to my being here that I feel smashed by daily.

Maybe it would help me to write it out and maybe see it from the outside.

I've done lots of things that I wanted. This thing of doing and being active is very defining to me. I wrote a little book that unites almost everything I wanted to say. Im starting a little business. I am very grateful to be in love.

But there comes this suicidal ideation where for me personally, I think that everyone gets the world they believe in after death and I dream of this quasi astral world, I think there are also some rules and ways of being that are there for all beings transitioning, like loops that can catch you or being energy solely densed sometimes to human form. I have so many images of it in my mind. It's like a longing for it that does not go away for years.

I'm currently on a "sick leave" from a cool job. But the leave left me more sick it feels

And this Earthly world is so empty for me. Like one can't be or for example travel the way I imagine one could in that other world.

I have only my beloved and my mom who'd both be wrecked if I did either start travelling or offed myself.

Today I just lie in bed, can't eat. Feeling so much of this being caged inside my own life.

I wish I could transition there without hurting anyone by doing so.

Thank you for reading, anything is welcomed