This a story about loss, and pain that fills every fiber of your being. Pain that is constant and unrelenting. Pain that changes you. Pain that that you couldn't imagine before you were lost in it's abyss. Pain so pure it's exquisite in it's beauty.

"Black"

In 1992 I was seventeen. My brain was awaking to the complexities of suffering.
I heard a song, and a voice that I hadn't heard before and I knew this was a bit more than "special." I knew that I was present for something that hadn't happened before. It was the perfect time to be young and alive. As a teenager transitioning into what I would become as a man.

I had been an artist since I picked up my first pencil. Every child is, some just keep drawing, creating. So in my attempts to recreate what I saw with my eyes I peered differently. I gave a lot of attention to why something looked the way it does and how to translate it to a page. Not easy, it took me a long time to make the progress that I wanted. Still I never got skilled enough to be content with what I produced.

It felt like my work was missing emotion. I just made two-dimensional representations and arguable not very good ones. I still had a passion for it though. I was always trying to understand emotion and how to evoke it.
You could say I was "fixated."

After puberty hit and brain chemicals were having new effects on me.
I began my entry into depression. I thought that everyone had the same feelings but other folks were just able to deal with it better than I could. I could feel episodes of depression coming on and soaking into my blood cells. Then it was just all-encompassing.

With my fixation on emotion and the insidious level of depression I felt I was also learning to appreciate the beauty in pain. It was just a bi-product of how my brain worked. I could respond to the stories of tortured artists I read about.
I could understand the inner workings of their thought processes.

back to the song.

I heard Nirvana, and STP, Alice in chains. It all resonated with me. Glam Rock was dead, heavy metal had gone angsty. Grunge had lead a guerilla insurgency into the heart of America and it's radio stations.

I knew when I first heard "Black" that this was a song about love and loss.
I saw how intense Eddie sang in his videos. This dude showed the world his open wounds and didn't mind if it made you "uncomfortable." He bore witness and he was telling his stories. He was fucking brave to show weakness and vulnerability and scream it at you because that was his art. I saw the beauty that was his pain, passion, and intensity. I respected this guy as an "artist."

Today.

Now I've heard that song for twenty-eight years now. It's never really come close to getting "old." That song has aged well. I've always loved it. I always thought I knew all the lyrics too. Today...I discovered I was wrong. The songs starts out:

"Sheets of empty canvas
Untouched sheets of clay
Laid spread out before me
As her body once did"

I thoughts it was "Sheets of empty canvas under sheets of clay."
"Her legs spread out before me as her body once did." Yeah, it actually makes sense now. Only took me twenty-eight years to realize that.

I knew in the song he expressed pain of loss but, I thought he had come to terms with it and wanted her to move on and be happy.

"I WAS FUCKING WRONG."

The MTV unplugged video helped me see that.

"All five horizons
Revolved around her soul
As the Earth to the Sun
Now, the air I tasted and breathed
Has taken a turn"

I thought he said "All my horizons revolved around the sun," not a big deal but still I got it wrong.

He taught her "everything."

"Ooh, and all I taught her was everything
Ooh, How quick the Sun can drop away
And now my bitter hands
Cradle broken glass
Of what was everything
All the pictures have
All been washed in black
Tattooed everything"

I missed: "HOW QUICK THE SUN CAN DROP AWAY." motherfucker! that's a powerful line. that ramps up the level of loss to 7.5. Then: "my BITTER hands cradle BROKEN GLASS of what was everything." "All the pictures have been washed in black, tattooed everything....9.5.

Then: "I take a walk outside
I'm surrounded by some kids at play
I can feel their laughter
So why do I sear?

I thought he said "see her." FUCK. So why doI see her?
No. It's "why do I SEAR?"

transitive verb*1: to make withered and dry : PARCH2: to burn, scorch, mark, or injure with or as if with sudden application of intense heat: to cook the surface of quickly with intense heatsear a steaksear3: a mark or scar left by searing*

I thought he was having a moment of appreciation that everything isn't so bad.

No. Childrens' laughter makes him "SEAR."

10.5

How have I missed this for three decades?

" Mm, and twisted thoughts that spin round my head
I'm spinning, oh, I'm spinning
How quick the Sun can drop away
And now my bitter hands
Cradle broken glass
Of what was everything
All the pictures have
All been washed in black
Tattooed everything
All the love gone bad
Turned my world to black
Tattooed all I see, all that I am, all I'll be, yeah "

If you watch his face during the unplugged performance he is revisiting all these emotions in front of an audience and his intensity is visceral.

" Uh-huh
Uh-huh
Woo
I know that someday you'll have a beautiful life
I know you'll be a star
In somebody else's sky
But why, why, why can't it be
Why can't it be mine?

11.5

I thought he was lamenting lost love as a romantic.
NO!
This is much worse.
This fucker is dying inside.
He has not come to terms with anything.
This isn't over for him.
He's broken but in the next two lines (that are not in the original song)
He still has fight in him as he screams "we belong, we belong together, we belong together."

12.5

Today I have a much deeper respect for this man as an artist.

Sheets of empty canvas
Untouched sheets of clay
Laid spread out before me
As her body once did

All five horizons
Revolved around her soul
As the Earth to the Sun
Now, the air I tasted and breathed
Has taken a turn

Ooh, and all I taught her was everything
Ooh, How quick the Sun can drop away
And now my bitter hands
Cradle broken glass
Of what was everything
All the pictures have
All been washed in black
Tattooed everything

I take a walk outside
I'm surrounded by some kids at play
I can feel their laughter
So why do I sear?

Mm, and twisted thoughts that spin round my head
I'm spinning, oh, I'm spinning
How quick the Sun can drop away
And now my bitter hands
Cradle broken glass
Of what was everything
All the pictures have
All been washed in black
Tattooed everything
All the love gone bad
Turned my world to black
Tattooed all I see, all that I am, all I'll be, yeah

Uh-huh
Uh-huh
Woo
I know that someday you'll have a beautiful life
I know you'll be a star
In somebody else's sky
But why, why, why can't it be
Why can't it be mine?
Ah, yeah
Uh, woo-hoo
We, we belong together, we belong, we belong together