I (27M) am a neurodivergent, heterosexual, SAHD to my only daughter (1F). I have amicably divorced recently and while trying to evaluate what I want to do next with my life I found polyamory. I find the principles and freedom involved in ethical non-monogamy to be really comforting for someone like me who struggles to fulfil traditional relationship expectations/dynamics.Some things I’ve realised about myself is that I need a lot of space (even from a nesting partner) because I have a smaller size social cup, I can find the perpetual communication channel open with my nesting partner to overflow my cup easily and lead to burnout. I also have a need for control over my environment (because of my ASD/ADHD) to a degree that I feel would be unfair to have my partner(s) be forced to live in. I try to keep environments, routines, and schedules pretty consistent to bolster my mental wellbeing, which might feel restrictive to my potential partner(s). In addition, having sole custody of my daughter means that I need to keep her safety in mind and being able to hold a healthy distance from potential partners and her is a bonus.

In particular, I find solo-polyamory attractive to me for this reason as it offers me the ability to show up for my partner(s) in a way I can’t in a more traditional dynamic. I'm not really interested in riding the relationship escalator again either. I haven’t tested this yet, but I suspect practicing solo-polyamory will have benefits for me being able to express love to my partner(s) in a way I haven’t been able to before. Historically I have struggled to fulfil the love languages of gift giving, planning and going on dates, quality time etc. I have felt a lot of shame around it and have tried continually to show up in those ways but I believe my neurodivergency gatekeeps me from doing those things consistently. However, I think with solo-polyamory I might be able to do those things because I have the space to regulate myself with my interests often and without negotiation, not be solely responsible for meeting my partner(s) every need, devote all my attention and focus to my partner when we are together, have the space to gift give at my own pace, and welcome partner(s) into my living space in a way that is most comfortable for me.

The reason I write this post, is when chatting to my ex-wife about me looking into practicing solo-polyamory, she said she thought what I am offering is unrealistic and “You might struggle to find a woman who matches those needs”. She said that she thinks hardly any woman would just sign up for dates a couple times a month, potentially very few instances of gift giving, no expectation of further commitment, I live in a smaller Australian city so how am I even going to find women comfortable with poly anyways, and that any time i’d invite a partner over that the woman would assume it’s just because I want sex from them (even if I genuinely just want to hang out at my place sex or not). She mentioned that “You struggled to date one woman, how are you going to manage even more than that??”.

I am trying to be very aware of what I have to offer as I’ve read that’s important on here. Am I actually being unrealistic here and will I just end up hurting myself and others?