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This comes by way of u/Fabulous-Reach-655 over at r/swingers. Posted without edit or comment.

It's long, but has value

I've been around this subreddit for a while and keep seeing the same thing: single guys wondering why they can't click with swinger couples. The answers they get can be pretty harsh.

I'm the male half of a couple that enjoys playing with others, including singles. We get a lot of messages on SpicyMatch and we've talked to other couples about this. So I understand why the reactions can be strong. But I believe that singles genuinely wanting to learn should get more helpful advice.

I want to put a disclaimer here: Everyone is different, and have varied opinions. Also, I may not fully understand the motives of some people, so I'll try to avoid sweeping statements. If you have a different point of view, please feel free to comment and share your thoughts.

What follows is a sincere attempt to help and educate, not to criticize or attack.

FACING THE ODDS

First off, let me ask the singles, "Guys, why are you here on the swinger sites?" If you're here thinking that swinger wives are an easy way to get laid, I've got bad news for you.

You've probably heard that the average ratio of single males to couples on swinger sites is about 10:1. That sounds realistic, but honestly, the real situation might be much worse for you. Here's why:

When you approach an MF couple, you're likely interested in one of two options:

1. You want to have sex with the wife alone;
2. You're looking for a threesome with both the wife and the husband.

Right? Now, let's look at the types of couples that you might meet.

Hotwife/Cuckold Couples: These couples enjoy the idea of the wife playing alone, with the husband either watching passively or not present at all. They usually show this in their profile and clearly identify themselves. If you're into option #1, this is your main and probably the only target market.

Couples Open to MFM Threesomes: Some couples (including mine) like the idea of MFM from time to time. However, not all of them advertise it in their profile, because most of the singles don’t behave and start bombing with annoying messages. Females in such couples are very unlikely to play alone and if you are into option #1, you will not have much luck here. But for those of you, who are into option #2, this is your target market.

Couples That Only Play with Other Couples: These couples aren't interested in single males at all. The wrong target market for single males. Full stop.

Now, let's look at some numbers.

From my observations, HW couples are rare on swingers' sites, perhaps making up less than 1% of couple profiles. When it comes to couples ready for MFM, it's tough to know the exact number. But based on our conversations with others, it seems about one in five couples has tried it, and many have done it repeatedly. It is not scientific research, of course, and these numbers aren't definite, but we can guess that maybe 10% to 20% of couples fall into this category.

If my observations hold true, the more realistic odds for finding a couple that might be interested in you would be 1000:1 for solo play and somewhere between 100:1 and 50:1 for MFM scenarios.

Pretty big numbers, right? But wait, there's even more to think about.

Don't forget, these odds don't mean you're competing with 50 or 100 people, with one certain winner. It's more complex than that, and even these numbers might be too optimistic.

I want you to notice the words "couples who might be interested." It doesn't mean they will be. If you think that swinger couples are bored without you, you're wrong. Most of them have more sex with their partners than some regular couples, not to mention singles. They also meet other couples and are welcome in clubs, and for them, it is not that difficult to find playmates when they want. So, they rarely need to get laid so desperately, that easily respond to the first proposition from a random guy.

And last but not least. Check out this poll. https://www.reddit.com/r/Swingers/comments/15sgcgi/how_often_do_you_play

It shows that 60% of couples in this lifestyle meet with others only six times a year or less. That's not a lot, right? And it's not because they don’t have people to play with. Many have kids, other responsibilities, and everyday lives to live. Some even choose to limit meetings with other people on purpose. They see it as a little extra fun to add to their relationship, not something to replace what they have together.

So, let's put it all together: Most couples in this lifestyle already have more sex than many single guys or girls in the vanilla world. They have plenty of choices when they want to meet others, but they don't do it all the time. No surprise that when they decide to go for it, they want these moments to be really special and they are very selective when choosing their playmates. And the competition between singles is huge.

Do you still think it's easy? Do you really believe you have better chances here than on vanilla dating sites? Especially when you are looking for a solo play.

If everything I've said makes sense to you, you may see that vanilla dating could be much easier. Go for it, that's probably the best decision for you.

TURNING THE TABLES

Does this mean that your chances as a single are nonexistent?

It's a yes and no situation. If you're seeking to play solo, your chances are indeed slim. However, if you're interested in group play with other couples, things might look better for some of you.You know, some couples are totally up for having a threesome. Believe it or not, even with loads of single guys out there, couples still struggle to find the right one for them. Someone on this subreddit even commented that finding a decent single guy is like finding a 'unicorn'—that's what they call the rare single women here, and so, if they're unicorns, the good single guys could be called 'dragons.' I totally get that viewpoint.

Surprised? You'd think with so many single guys around, finding one would be a breeze.

Nope.

Remember, I said, 'the right one for them.' At least 95% of single males on swingers sites don't fit that description. There may be different reasons for that. I will name just a few that matter to us.

1) Many singles don’t get the sense of the threesome joy and why some couples want it. They think, “The husband lets other men fuck his wife because he cannot satisfy her,” which often couldn't be further from reality.

So, these guys are acting on incorrect assumptions. They message couples, claiming they can show the husband how to fuck his wife properly. They send dick pics, thinking that's what the couple really needs. Some even try to compete with the husbands. No wonder they end up getting blocked.

2) Many singles are super direct and don't bother trying to be interesting or flirty. Their first message to a new couple is usually something like "hi," "sup," or "want to play?" And if a couple responds, the follow-up messages are just as lame.

This is a big turn-off for many. Some couples, when they want to take things further, like meeting potential partners for coffee first to see if there's a spark. But what do you even talk about with a guy who can barely put a few words together? And if he's bad at chatting, why would anyone think he'd be any better in bed? Good sex is about more than just the physical stuff, after all.

3) Some guys are smart but take shortcuts. They write a one-size-fits-all message and spam it to multiple couples. They think playing the numbers will work for them. But this shows they don’t really care, so it's no surprise that many couples don't bother to reply.Maybe this mass-messaging works for some people, but not for us. We actually prefer the complete opposite. Our first experience with a single guy began when he messaged us. But that message was written just for us. It was witty and contained a subtle sexual joke that took me a second read to catch. But once I got it, I couldn't help but respond with a laughing emoji, and the conversation naturally progressed from there. A few weeks later we had invited him for a drink, and nothing more. And finished that evening with a mind-blowing threesome that completely won us over to this kind of play.

I think that was one message we engaged with out of a hundred that we didn't reply to.

Of course, these mass marketers are less annoying than the first two groups, at least their messages are usually not dumb, but just being less annoying isn't enough to succeed.

There might be more factors causing singles to strike out, but I think these reasons alone say a lot.

So let's go back to those numbers I mentioned earlier. I said that for every couple, there are about 100 single guys, right? But if you take out the 95% who are messing it up, the ratio drops to 5 to 1. That means one in five guys actually has a chance.

Sounds more hopeful, doesn't it?

The actual competition could be even smaller than you think. Guys who excel at this often end up with a good reputation and a network of "friends with benefits" couples. They no longer have to look for new couples; word of mouth among couples brings new chances their way.

But let's be real, getting to that point is tough. And like I said, it's not for everyone — probably not even for you.

FINDING YOUR ‘WHY’

So if you're still reading and thinking this might be the path for you, you've got to ask yourself, "Why do I want an MFM threesome?"

Knowing your answer is crucial for two reasons. First, it helps you find the matching couple, since all couples are different and look for different things.

Second, being able to articulate why you're interested can build trust with couples who are considering you. They'll want to know your motivation to see if you're a good fit for them. Otherwise, they might get worried. They could start thinking things like, "Why can't this guy date normally? Is something off?" or "Is he using us to tick a box?" or "Maybe he only cares about playing with the wife and sees the husband as a necessary evil?"

Your reasons can mean the difference between a polite "no thanks" and a real connection.

I'm not going to give you a cheat sheet with a list of good answers. You have to dig deep and figure out your own feelings. Maybe you've tried a threesome before and loved it. What did you like most?

If it's a new thing for you, what draws you to it? How did you even get interested?

Or maybe you're bi-curious or bisexual, attracted to both men and women?

Or is there another reason you're interested? It's all good, just be real about it. If you're not honest, people will usually catch on, and trust is easily broken. Just be true to yourself and them; it's the only way to go.

And if you don't have an answer, that's fine. As I've said, this isn't for everyone. For a lot of singles, vanilla dating might be a better fit.

MOVING FORWARD

If you've got your answer, you're ahead of the game and ready to move forward.

At first, I wanted to offer more tips, like creating a killer profile or chatting with couples. But this post is already long, and I didn't realize how much time it would take to write and proofread it, considering that English is not my native language. Also, to be honest, I doubt many singles here would benefit from more detailed advice. So, I'll stop here.

Anyway, if you understand your 'why,' the 'how' will come naturally.

If you're taking this journey, best of luck to you! It could be a thrilling and fulfilling experience.

Feel free to upvote or downvote the post based on whether you like it. I'd greatly appreciate it if you could also share your thoughts in the comments—especially if you have a different perspective.

After all, isn't the purpose of this subreddit to help us all learn more about the lifestyle?