So much blood, broken plaster, and swelling. Like, my shit is REALLY swollen and it's not easy to type this out. Fuck, is this how I die, alone?

Let's back up. I've been living alone since January this year.. it was actually a personal goal of mine. I worked my ass off in a job I don't really like so that I could afford my place. I guess I thought it would bring me happiness. And you know what? It actually does make me happy as long as I'm not bleeding all over the damn place JFC GOD WHY.

Breathe. It's okay. Fuck. Me.

So yeah. Okay. I worked another 11 hour day today. I work from home and I have a stressful job and I'm no longer happy in it. I know I don't belong here anymore and I'm stuck. I don't have much time outside the work day to plan my escape (I'm trying though). Tonight, I realized I've had the exact same feeling before: when I stayed 3 years in a relationship with my best friend, but two of those years were pure hell. I was so miserable but it took a very long time for me to finally have the courage to break both of our hearts.

I remember that relationship. There was too much expectations put on me to be something I wasn't. I bottled it all up. So much suppressed anger because I felt so trapped and I didn't know what to do. My life was crumbling around me -- everything outside the failed relationship I was desperately propping up. I knew I wanted out. One day, I made simple mistake: I missed an exit on the freeway. I was so anxious and lost in thoughts, I could barely function, and when I missed the exit (Bristol St. -- near Metro Pointe off the 405)

I snapped. I took it out on myself. I had a rush of pure anger and frustration that had nothing to do with the missed exit. I had to pull myself over so I didn't hurt myself any further. It was a huge wakeup call and it was only then I was able to realize that the reason I was acting out was because I knew in my soul that I wasn't where I was supposed to be.

And now, damnit! I'm back in a similar situation. This time, it's not a broken romantic relationship, it's a broken relationship with my career. It's exactly the same feeling.

So tonight, half exhausted, I'm using a can opener to cut open a can of black beans from Trader Joes. The plan was to dump the beans onto my chicken and make a simple dinner -- add some rice and salsa. Anyways. I'm lost in my anxiety and the can opener doesn't cut out the lid completely. I'm impatient to get to my beans, barely paying attention, and I stick my fingers into the can and start to pry open the lid until suddenly it pops open and I slice two nice cuts into right hand. FUCK -- the entire world refocuses and turns into a sheet of bright red anger. Some part of me actually knew that was going to happen, so why did I do it anyway?!

I realize in sudden horror that I'm bleeding all over my white marble kitchen counter, the contrast of red on white is alarming. I suddenly realize how alone I am in my condo. The condo that I bought with all my fucking hard work. The condo I might just die in with all my stupid success. Alone. Next to an open can of cold beans.

Something snaps. I punch a hole in the wall with my left hand, since it's the one that's not pouring blood everywhere. It immediately turns purple and swells up to the size of a golf ball. Great, now there's a hole in the wall the size of my fist. Can't wait to explain that one tom somebody.

Then I realize it. Oh my God. I'm once again acting out because I feel helplessly trapped. What a lovely place I find myself in. Oh my God. I don't want to die alone, surrounded by blood, black beans, and broken plaster.

I want to find peace, I want to find my passion. I want to find someone in my life who wants those same things for herself and for me. I want to find a 9-5 job so that I can focus on developing my passions. I want to be with someone during my free time to read the books with, cook meals together, plan things with, and talk about all the weird philosophical shit I think it important.

Anyways. I've cleaned and dressed the wounds, and iced the knuckles. It's all just a numb pain for now. It's time to heal all the broken shit on the outside, too. God, help me.

!Unlock https://imgur.com/a/VvdFgqc