https://imgur.com/a/oFLCdGE

(Canine means ‘dog’ for you red-voting simpletons, and don’t bother responding if you’re one of them.)

Yes, you have the honor of reading the words of the Ruler of the Known Universe. I am also known in the canine world as Griffey the Great, and within the animal kingdom as Balrok-Utu, Devourer of Everything Milk Bone. I’m writing this for My Hooman, who is currently still slumbering and probably having another nightmare about George Martin dying before finishing another book. I’m also usually comfortably slumbering - although my dreams tend to have more squirrels in them than his do - but there’s a mentally unstable crow right outside the apartment that will NOT shut up, and while My Hooman is somehow able to block out that kinda stuff out, I’m not afraid to admit that I just wanna go out there and chase this feathered fuck until his wings fall off. So I thought I’d do My Hooman a favor while I’m daydreaming about doing exactly that. And I also wanted to show you another side of him that he never lets show in his typically irresistibly sexy postings.

Btw, that link above is actually him, not me. I know you think that or course the Ruler of the Known Universe would look that good, but it’s him. I look better. Like, a lot better.

Just so you know, My Hooman - who will be referred to as ‘He’ for the remainder of this proclamation - doesn’t even consider seeing any women unless she’s over 21 at the absolute minimum. He may like young women when they’re mature and intelligent, but he has no interest in having to help raise one. I, on the other hand, wouldn’t care if you were still in diapers. Hoomans are hoomans, and you all seem to worship the ground I walk on regardless of how many long-ass Hooman years you’ve been alive (i mean, seriously, you guys age slower than tree sap moves. Pisses me off.) but My Hooman admittedly likes doing things with women that go beyond licking the makeup off your face, although he likes doing that, too. He doesn’t know it but he actually got that from me. Females go into some kind of state of grace or something when I’m licking their faces, so what warm-blooded Hooman male wouldn’t pick up on that?

And if you don’t live within a distance to SoCal that makes it practical to actually, physically be seeing each other, don’t bother responding. Wouldn’t think I’d have to state that, but it blows my canine mind how many responses My Hooman gets from other states and even countries. He’s actually looking to meet and have an IRL relationship, so don’t respond unless you’re going to be able to do that.

Anyway, I graciously allow My Bad-Ass Hooman to live with me here in Ventura. He’s a SWM with no kids (other than me, Duh.) 6’2, 195, 8” (don’t ask me how I know that one, just take my word for it), D/D-free, non-smoking (like I’d have let him live otherwise), very well-read and intelligent (seriously, this guy reads the way I sniff stuff), naturally athletic - I watch him work out all the time in here, and I shit you not he’s like a Hooman version of one of this big, black-and-brown German War Hounds with the big pointy ears. I’ve also seen him play baseball, and I’ve seen how women react watching him play baseball, and suffice it to say, you’d love it. Trust my adorable ass on that one, too. Speaking of baseball, he’s built like a pro, too. If my shoulders were as broad and powerful as his are, this annoying feathered fucking crow that will simply NOT shut the fuck up wouldn’t be presuming to test my resolve, I’ll tell ya that. Other Hoomans are often intimidated by his mere presence and charisma. I’m telling ya, he’s just like me - supremely confident and self-aware, calm and patient (No, really, I am), completely at ease and sure of himself anywhere, around anyone. Jack Reacher would think twice before questioning My Hooman. (well, maybe one-and-a-half times he would, anyway)

Oh, and my fellow canines fucken LOVE him, I’m telling ya. Even those that have never ever seen him before get so excited they lose their canines minds and their tails turn into destructive little wrecking balls! Either that, or they see who’s walking with him and they know that they better worship him or I’ll kick their ass.

He’s a strict and assertive, naturally Dominant Master (To other Hoomans, he is. Not here. I rule this roost, as I do the rest of the Inown Universe) looking for a demure, dignified younger women (mid-20s to mid-40s, going by your looooong-ass Hooman years) to train to be His Submissive Sex Kitten. He’ll train you how to do exactly as you’re told, and you’ll love every minute of it. How could you not?

You’d be trained to be accountable to him at all times, to always keep him appraised of what you’re doing whether He’s responding or not - I may be making him take me on my rounds to survey my Empire, after all. You’d be trained to send him selfies showing him how you’re looking and what you’re wearing as you go about your days, always striving to please him by showing him the face and body that you want to serve him with. He doesn’t mean naked pics, he doesn’t like those. Neither of us do. That is, I wouldn’t like them either if I were ever sneaking peeks at his iPad to see what he’s doing, which I very definitely NEVER do. Like, never-ever-EVER. He just likes flirtatious selfies showing him how you’re thinking about him. For example, when you’re working, you’d obviously be wearing your work clothes, provided it’s practical to take a selfie while you’re working.

He is not soft with the female Hooman body. With female canines, he’s an absolute gentleman and a prince, and, again, they just lose their sexy minds over it. But with a Hooman female, that’s another story. Believe you, me. Sexually, he’s very rough, forceful, and vulgar. He overpowers and manhandles. He will forcefully put you into whatever position he wants you in. He grabs and pulls hair. I admittedly can’t figure out how you’d possibly like that one. If any Hooman ever grabbed a handful of my fur and pulled it like he does with a Hooman female, I’d unleash some vicious barking invectives the likes of which would burst their eardrums. But you women seem to like it when he does it to you. I mean, really, REALLY like it. He grips and squeezes flesh. He lightly slaps your pretty, made-up faces, both with his hands and his beautiful, impressive Hooman member (I’m merely quoting how I’ve heard other Hooman females describe that thing). He spanks - again, you guys, not me. No-sir-EE, he’d never spank my regal ass. He growls into your ear and calls you all sorts of things. Seriously, he’s better at growling than I am, and I’m Ruler of the Known Universe. He talks really dirty throughout and makes you reciprocate the vulgarity.

He isn’t into anything that could be considered hardcore or extreme BDSM. He doesn’t have a ‘dungeon’ - I don’t allow those in my castle, which this apartment is, of course. MY Castle - and he very definitely is not into piss or scat - seriously? Some of you deranged Hoomans actually like that shit? Or stuff, as the case may be? - or anything like that, and I’d never allow him to expect you to do anything you may be the least bit uncomfortable with. He knows better than to go over my head on that.

He likes slender, in-shape (but not skinny) bodies. Long hair. Big tits are preferred but not required. Girlishness and femininity. He likes maturity and intelligence (Duh!). He does like the classy bimbo look but has no interest in airheads or party girls. Nor do I. I mean, I may graciously allow you to pet my gloriously soft fur for an hour-and-a-half or so, but that’s all I’d allow you to do.

He’s not into BBWs or bratty types, and any kind of smoking or vaping, including 420, is a dealbreaker (YUCK!!!). He doesn’t care how hot you may be, it’s just disgusting. Like, Veterinarian-prescribed medicine disgusting. He’s not ever interested in talking politics except to say that he’s very definitely Pro-Choice. I mean, c’mon, you really think Griffey the Great would permit the presence of any Hooman that’s too stupid to recognize when someone’s body is their own? SMH…

He plays baseball on weekends in adult leagues - baseball, not that candy-ass softball stuff - and you’d come to as many of his games and tournaments as you could, obviously dolled up as his eye-candy. I may or may not pre-approve your eye-candy look, depending on whether or not I’m daydreaming about killing this ANNOYING FUCKING CROW or not.

If you’re interested, describe yourself physically and tell him what turned you on and made you want to respond. Be bold and expressive. Impress him with your wantonness. Impress the Ruler o d the Known Universe by impressing His Hooman. If you’re going to send pics, DO NOT SEND ANYTHING NAKED. Just normal pics, but you want him to find you attractive, so show him your face and body.

If he’s interested, he’ll take it from there. He’s really take charge like that. Takes after me. If he’s not, he’ll let you know. He wouldn’t just ghost you. He’s not an asshole. I mean, I may be Griffey the Great, Balrok-Utu, Devourer of Everything Milk Bone and Ruler of the Known Universe, but he is giving me a pretty awesome home.

And now I shall return to my diabolical plotting and scheming about how I’m going to chase this mentally unstable feathered fuck until he can’t lift his fucking wings anymore. And yes, I know it’s a male crow. No female of any species sounds like this…

dom #domsub #bdsm #losangeles