Hi everyone, thank you all so much for stopping by. I wanted to talk a bit about how I feel because I am lost.

So, I am 19 and I have a history with depressions. Both of my parents had depressive episodes, my sister too coupled with anorexia which is still very traumatizing for me and I had my fair share of trouble with mental health and even suicidal thoughts. I went to see a therapist for the last 6 months and I slowly, really slowly starting to love myself as I am.

Now, depression has highs and lows: one day, I can be very very happy and in a good mood and the other day I can feel like the worst of humankind and just want to stay in my bed and to not exist anymore. One of the things that helps me cope when I feel very very down is to play Ultimate. I never played any other smash game outside of Brawl which I loved in my childhood and I bought Ultimate a year ago and it was just so so much fun, I was playing with items and everything and I loved it.

Then, I started playing with friends who play pretty competitively (no items, FD or BF stages, no Final Smash) and it made me realize that I was absolutely worthless at this game. I lost every game we played together and I think since we started playing together about a year ago I won like 10 games overall. I sucked very badly.

I tried to put some time in the game, I watched combo videos, tutorials, neutral guide, basic techs/movements guide, and really tried my hardest to practice every combo in training mode. I put on a considerable amount of time in this game that I strongly regret now.

Then I tried to play online. I am not kidding: I played around ~500 online games and I won around ~5 of them. I get destroyed everytime. I can every character I want, usually I try to land a single move to do a combo (like a down tilt for example), miss 99% of the time and get comboed or killed, rinse and repeat.

Now, I know what you're thinking: git gud. But I really can't. I've tried everything and also everytime that I play online, it is very very detrimental for my mental health. I usually have to stop myself from crying after each online sessions, I just feel worthless, fucking dumb, useless, a piece of human trash. I want to die. People teabagging and disrespecting doesn't help either. I really feel like I'm garbage and that I will never improve and I can feel that at every lose, some dark old thoughts are creeping up on me and are taking me back to some really unpleasant and destructive feeling that I wish I never had again. It is even worse when I play against my friend because I can feel that I make them angry because I am so so down after each session, I really feel like I'n failing them. Same when I play with my boyfriend, I feel terrible for him because he always has to comfort me afterwards and it just shouldn't be like that.

So then you might say "Just leave the game for a while." But I feel so so guilty when I'm not practicing. I feel like everything else that I do isn't worth my time because it doesn't makes me better at Smash. I know that I have a very unhealthy relationship with this game but I don't know what to do about it.

Could anyone help me please ? Thank you really much, from the bottom of my heart for reading <3