I've been off tinder for quite a while (mainly using Bumble). Maybe it's lockdown, maybe it's all the fake profiles. I don't know. "It's changed" or I've changed. But. I'm horny. So, I downloaded it the other day, and my mate sent me a code so I could log into the web version (I'm banned for some reason) / paid for 1 month of Platinum for $50AUD or so, and swipe, swipe swipe I went.

The matches came in as people are truly getting out there in Sydney as lockdown has ended - dates, fucking, looking for love - it's all out there. Platinum really is worth paying for, even for a month - but that's a different topic to discuss.

Date 1 / Day 1: Disaster. Yesterday an Aussie girl I matched with wasn't making a lot of sense, so just as I wished her well with her dating, she came back with "No, no. I'm keen to meet. Let's have a beer and have sex as you fancy. I know a great spot outdoors. What time? Tonight." Outdoors? Yes. Interested. So (I don't want to make this a long story), but she wouldn't even give me a link to the pub as I'm on the ferry that's leaving by Sydney Opera House. I jumped off. She called and was in an Uber / sounded drunk. I got a solo beer, then jumped on the next ferry to the pub I had suggested 30minutes before. Something wasn't right.

Well, I arrive, and two things: She's smoking (hate). And she's absolutely wasted at 530pm on a Monday. Nicely, she had a beer waiting for me and a (not so nice) smoke filled French kiss upon hello. Ugh. She smoked again. I got the next round, and she went for another one. And then? I said it: "I'm sorry. I see this as a mates-date." Well, she was out of there in 30s / left her full beer. I just couldn't do it - no matter the Sydney Harbour views and need to fuck.

Best thing? The inner west pub was one of the nicest in Sydney. I can't wait to go back and do it properly.

Date 2 / Day 2: Hook up. To be honest, I'm not a fan of "hook ups". Buzz up, arrive for sex. Fuck. Then leave. It's just not my thing. I like to do fun shit / grab a wine by the water and chat / connect. Fun! The fuck. Or not. Depends if you click.

Well, this damn cute Ukranian girl was pretty upfront in her profile. Busy. Horny. Can't host. Up for fun or a kayak friend (fuck the sharks / not for me). So, we match today at 10am, and she's working close by but can get away at 3pm if I'm keen. Of course! She had sent some suggestive pics (nothing porn but showing off a fucking hot body), and by 245pm she sent her map showing she was on her way. Great.

She buzzes up, and "Ohhhhh my. She's cute. Very." And comes in. Doesn't want any brie, crackers. Doesn't want any wine / just water. Doesn't want to chat much. And then just gives that "look" of... I'm ready. Gotta say this was 2 minutes after entering. So, I go in for the kiss. "I don't like the tinder kissing," she says. Oh my. No kissing. So, I go to the neck kissing... and we proceed into the bedroom.

Per our tinder chat she likes it: "Rough and hard" which is cool, but a gent has to be a little wary of that on the first meet. Safety, safety if you don't know somebody right? It's 2021 after all. She immediately takes her clothes off and gets my shorts down for a quick Hand Rodney, then gobbles it whole / great little ball tickle too. She's got a great body, and I go down on her - didn't take her long to say it: "Bite it. Teeth on my clit. Hard." Yikes. This was even a bit new for me. But, she loved it. Yelped. Loudly. My neighbours!

Condoms and position A, B, C, D, and so on... more oral on her. More on me. Put another condom on, and then she said it (picture the E Euro accent please): "Fuck me. Like the dog." Ha. It was too funny. I've heard "From behind. Now." I've heard "Fuck me doggy." But never like that. I did. Got out the lube. Put my thumb deep in her ass (she wanted anal not long after), but it didn't take me long to release. Bit more oral on her 'til release, and no doubt - it was 5 minutes, and she was gone.

She suited up, took a swig of water straight from the sink (odd), and there was a nice hug goodbye.

'Tis my story. My slut adventure begins on Tinder. Here we go!