part of me feels really ashamed and part of me doesn’t want to stop. i got tired and i’m getting ready for bed when i realized i’d spent basically the whole day in my room just masturbating. i’d pause for a little bit and then go right back to it. i’m sure it was cause i’m stressed with college stuff (long story but i have to prove i am fit to come back to finish my degree lmfao) so i need a way to turn my overactive ocd brain off but still. STILL.

it’s stuff that i honestly would never seem to be into. i’m usually pretty disinterested in sex so i don’t know if it’s the fact that i’m ovulating or what but it’s like i wasn’t even thinking about it. i’ve never watched porn before. but i went on degrading subs like brokenbabes, misogynistic subreddits, bimbo stuff (which i’ve never heard of before), etc and it led me to searching out even more degrading stuff.

what’s more is that i loved it. it was literally like i was transfixed or something, hearing how wet these girls were as they get plowed and watching their brains drip out their pussy. i found myself wanting it really, really bad. i know i wouldn’t actually do it. partly because i’m an anxious person and the thought of being in an intimate setting with someone freaks me out, but also partly because i feel like if i were to get my virginity taken, and i mean REALLY taken (like get railed for my very first time so i see stars), i don’t think i could ever go back. tbh i’d probably become a dumb sex addicted slut, just rubbing my clit all day until someone tells me what to do.

idk. maybe this is nothing but it feels like me spending my whole day just getting off to girls getting literally fucked stupid is a sign that i’m getting addicted to it in a really subtle way. i’ve even started having dreams about getting plowed which is crazy 😭 anyways i wanted to get this out before i go to bed so i would stop thinking about it lol